Most of you have probably heard this before but with all of the “heated” conversations recently I thought everyone could use a laugh. Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI
Bernie
Even after the 5 or six times I’ve heard this. it’s still GREAT.
Thanks for posting
Mark
CURTAIN RODS — PRICELESS
>
>
> On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates
> and suitcases.
>
> On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things…
>
> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
> dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background
> music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of
> spring-water.
>
> When she’d finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
> few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the
> curtain rods.
>
> She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>
> On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and
> at first all was bliss.
>
> Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
>
> They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
>
> Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
>
> Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
> set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
> few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
> carpeting. Nothing worked!
>
> People stopped coming over to visit.
> Repairmen refused to work in the house.
> The maid quit.
>
> Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had
> to move, but a month later - even though they’d cut their price in half
> - they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
>
> Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
> their calls.
>
> Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
> huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
>
> Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told
> her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that
> she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
> divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
>
> Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed
> on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth …
> but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
>
> She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
> paperwork.
>
> A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
> the moving company pack everything to take to their new home …
>
> … and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
>
> I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?
Mark
Marco
That was so good I had to copy/paste and send it on !!!
Bernie
A recently divorced man was enjoying his first vacation after going through a nasty divorce. Walking in the sand on an island beach, he came upon an old lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picked up the lamp and when he rubbed the sand off of it, a beautiful genie appeared.
Genie: “I am the Spirit of the Lamp, and will grant you three wishes.”
Man: " Well, after going through a divorce where my ex-wife took me to the cleaners, I could use 10 million dollars."
Genie: “Since I am a woman and sympathize with your ex-wife - whatever you receive, your ex-wife will get twice as much.”
The man reluctantly agreed, and before his eyes appeared 10 million dollars. At the same moment, his ex-wife was sitting at her kitchen table, and 20 million dollars appeared in front of her.
Man: “My next wish is for a new Ferrari.”
A shiny red Ferrari appeared on the sand next to him, and two new Ferraris appeared in his ex-wife’s driveway. The thought of his ex-wife getting double his wishes was almost too much to bear as he pondered his next wish.
Genie: “You still have one wish left.”
The man thought for a while.
Man: " I want you to beat me half to death."
A little political. Grow a skin!!
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ?Well,? he says, ?I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?
The Tennessee contractor al so does some measuring and figuring, then says, ?I can do this job for $700: $300 for materi al s, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?
The Chicago contractor doesn?t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, ?$2,700.?
The official, incredulous, says, ?You didn?t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure??
The Chicago contractor whispers back, ?$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.?
?Done!? replies the government official .
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
[COLOR=black][/COLOR]
Testimony given in court: (Let’s pick on lawyers for awhile)
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Did you all know that Chuck Norris is so tough…
That when he goes swimming he doesn’t get wet…
The water gets ‘Chucked’?
Buddy
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: " that’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What’s the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."
We aren’t offended here in TN. We know that you’re just trying to provoke us into to visiting you at the ID Fish-In. I’m very flattered. Thank you.
Ed
OK, You asked for it.
WHY U NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK…
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
6 cans of Spam
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must be single.’
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I indeed had never found Ms. Right. I looked at the 12 items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, ‘Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?’
The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.’
One more time, truth is sometimes funnier than fiction.
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting
an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote
population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and
true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, they came up
with a ‘more humane’ solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive,
the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the
population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming
Wool and Sheep Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room
stood up, tipped his hat back and said, ‘Son, I don’t think you
understand our problem. Those coyotes ain’t trying to molest our sheep - they’re eatin’
‘em!’
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.
Unfortunately this is the way of things to come.
BBW,
Actually, it’s not the way of things to come…
It’s the way it’s been for almost all of recorded human history.
It’s only in the very recent times (historically speaking) that it’s even considered a ‘bad’ thing…we Americans are untypically opposed to corruption…but we can’t stop it…even when we try really hard.
Buddy
There IS a way to stop it !! We can’t spend what we don’t have (they can) Soooooo Lets go fishing
TWWWEEEEEEEET!!! I blow the whistle…posting out of humor bounds! 15 yards!
Chuck Norris is so tough that when he breaks wind, It stays broken!
Chuck norris’s tears are the only thing on earth that can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried…
OK lets get back to some humor ( maybe ) No more hijacking OK
Man comes home from work (lives in a sub-division) to find a gorilla in a tree in his back yard.
He thinks what is a gorilla doing in this neihborhood, and in my back yard. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough he finds an animal control contractor. So he calls and the man says that he will be there at 8:00 am sharp the next morning.
Sure enough at 8:00 am the guy pulls up in a van, and the homeowner goes out to greet him,
opens the gate to back yard, the exterminator opens the back doors of the van and unloads, a ladder, a pair of handcuffs, a big ole hound dog ( named Blue ), and a 12 ga shotgun.
So walking across the yard, the homeowner questions, what are your plans for this. The exterminator says. I’m gonna climb that tree, and I’m gonna shake that gorilla off that limb,
when he hits the ground Blue is gonna bite him in the privates, when the gorilla puts his hands down to stop Blue from biting him, you put the handcuffs on him, from then he will go to the van calmly and it will be done.
Now the homeowner asks, I can understand why you have the ladder, the handcuffs, and Blue. But why the shotgun ?
The exterminator answers, thats in case the gorilla shakes me off that limb, YOU SHOOT BLUE !!!
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
‘Hello?’
'Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?’
**'No, Daddy.**
&nb sp; She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’
**After a brief pause,**
Daddy says,*
‘But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’
‘Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
‘I did it, Daddy.’
**‘And what happened, honey?’ **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn’t moving at all!’
‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? …
*Is this 486-5731?’