We need some laughs here !!!

FAOL Community Sound Off
21

The old farmer’s mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule.

His $125 didn’t buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.

Early the next day, the old man returned. “Jim,” said the mule dealer, “that old mule died last night. I’m real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden.” The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.

A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim’s place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a NEW $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he’d spent on the mule that died.

“Well”, Jim explains, “After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town.”

“Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?”

“From you.”

“No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize.”

“I got it from you.”

“Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule.”

“I know, that’s what I raffled off.”

“My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I’ll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it.”

“Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back.”

22

Three couples were out partying one night, and after finishing several bottles of champagne, climbed in the van to travel to the next destination. Traveling along the highway, going a little too fast, the van swerved, ran into a concrete abutment, and all of the occupants were killed. Next thing you know, they are all lined up at the pearly gates, waiting in front of St. Peter.
The first couple steps up and the husband says, “St. Peter, we are here to enter into Heaven.”
St. Peter looks down at them, then looks in the great book in front of him. He runs his finger down one or two pages, then says, “I’m sorry to say, sir, that you have lived a life of gluttony, and are not yet ready to enter into Heaven. You have always thought of little else in your life, except food. Rich foods, spicey foods, fatty foods. You craved food so much that you even married a woman whose name reminded you of food. I’m afraid that you and your wife Candy will have to spend the next 10 years in Purgatory.” He directed them to a door to the side of the hallway, and the couple trudged off.
The next couple stepped forward and asked to be admitted. Again, St. Peter looked them over, scanned his book, and said, “I’m sorry sir, but you have lived a life of greed. All you thought about was money. You wanted more and more money, and did not care what you did to amass your fortune. Your greed was so great, that you even married a woman whose name reminded you of money. Now you and your wife Penny will have to spend the next fifteen years in Purgatory.” He motioned them through the door, and turned to the third couple.
As he looked down, the third man turned away and started toward the door to Purgatory. “Never mind,” he said. Turning to his wife, the man said, “Come on, Fanny, let’s go.”

23

This is GREAT!

www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

Mikey

24

Cop comments:

  1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

  2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

  3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

  4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

  5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that 'll be chasing you.”

  6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

  7. “Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the Shift Supervisor?”

  8. “Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

  9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

  10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey doodoo.’

  11. “Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

  12. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.’

  13. “How big were those ‘two beers’ you said you had?”

  14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We use to, but we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

  15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail.”

  16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

25

This isn’t so much a joke as a humorous story, it’s one of my all time favorites.

A little bird was born one spring in a barnyard a little north of here. Over the summer it grew up with the other little birds around the barnyard. One day an older bird came by and told him in the morning we fly south for the winter. The little bird thought about this and said why, there plenty of food here, it?s a nice place to live, I have a nice nest in the eave of the barn. The next morning the flock gathered together and flew south, the little bird stayed behind.

Life was good for quite a while, it was easier to find food with the other birds gone. One morning he woke up and realized he was cold, he fuzzed out his feathers and huddle close to the side of the nest. Then he thought if I get something to eat I?ll warm up. So he flew down to the barnyard. While pecking around for food a cow walks up over him and crapped all over him. It was really yucky and smelled really bad. But it was warm, and he got to feel better. And feeling better he began to sing. A cat in the barnyard heard him, the cat came and found him, took him out of the mess he was in, washed the bird off and ate him.

The morals of the story are four:

1.You should think long and hard before abandoning time honored traditions and practices.

2.Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

3.Not everyone who pulls you out of the crap is your friend.

4.Sometimes even though you are up to your neck in crap sometimes you should keep you mouth shut.

26

Jesse -

That’s a nice variation on one of my favorites, which only focussed on your points 2 and 3. The way I heard it, way back when, didn’t involve traditions - just the present, nor singing - just surviving.

John

27

In a church:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain
was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced…

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap a wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice,“thank the Lord, Tom is
out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”

28

Hey PRM,
I had to stand up for that punchline for fear of injuring my whatever from laughing. Great story AND well told.

Mark:)

29

This one was sent to me by a friend with a great sense of humor. It’s not only the topic but also the presentation that …
Click on the black screen.

Mark

30

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘Damn, ‘Damn !’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By’Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ’ Damn it ’ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess.
I was really crocked. But how’d you know?’
‘Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.’

31

A FLAT TIRE

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my
car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and
open
the
trunk.

I take out 2 cardboard men, unfold them and stand them at the rear
of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn’t
believe!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts
to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.
And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their
horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.He gets out of
his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a
happy camper!

'‘What’s going on here?’

‘My car has a flat tire,’ I said calmly.

‘Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
road?’

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know.

So I told him, ‘Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!’

8T :slight_smile:

32

One Sunday recently The Father looked out over his congregation and was amazed to the face of Angus Murphy in the back pew.
He was sure that Murphy had not attended in all of his adult life.

After the service was over, The Priest approached Murphy and shook his hand, saying, "Now Mr. Murphy are ye bein’ about changing your ways, then?

Murphy replied, “no Father, it’s just that I’ve lost me favorite hat”.
“Ah, I see” said the Padre.
“And you’ve come to pray to St. Christopher to help you find it…”

“No, father, I recalled that O’Mally had a hat exactly like mine, and I knew that he’d come to mass, and I knew that he’d be removing that hat inside the church, and I was about stealin’ O’Malley’s hat.”

“But I see you didn’t steal O’Malley’s hat; there he goes, wearing it still”.

Well, Y’see Father, it was during your sermon that I decided not to steal O’Malley’s hat !"

“Ah, when you heard me preach about “Thou Shalt Not Steal”, you decided not to risk to pain of eternal damnation by stealing that hat…”

“No Father, it was when you preached about “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” that I remembered where I left mine!”

33

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Bob

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
“I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did…why do you ask?”
…
“She just died and left me everything.”
.
.(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?)

34

Image: iFly, tied with parts of a broken Apple iPhone: http://www.fishingfury.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/ifly.jpg

Doug

35

Doug,

One of the better uses for a cell phone!!

Jeff

36

Dang it Uncle Jesse, I may have to buy a new keyboard. I just spewed coffee all over mine reading that story. Didn’t see that coming. LOL. Jimsnarocks

37

Italian Fire Truck

Late last December, a week before Christmas when its product was at its height of sales
nationwide, a fire started inside the famed Garfield, NJ, Italian sausage factory. Within ten
minutes, the building was engulfed in flames.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, sausage company president
P. J. Mancinelli, went over to the chief and told him that all of the family’s ‘secret’ sausage
recipes were in the vault in the center of the plant, and offered to donate $50,000 to the fire
company if it saved them…

The blaze quickly became a five-alarm inferno, additional departments were called in as the
situation became more desperate and the chances of getting to the safe containing the
recipes looked hopeless, regardless of the ‘reward’.

Onlookers and firefighters watched as an old fire truck of the nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer fire
Department, composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65, raced into view with
siren screaming, the firefighters pounding on the sides of the truck.

The badly faded red 1932 Ford truck drove straight into the middle of the inferno. The other
fire fighters watched in amazement as the old Italians jumped off and attacked the fire like
men possessed. Within a short time the Lodi old timers had beaten the fire back in the
middle of the building and saved the ‘secret’ recipes.

Company president Mancinelli announced that for such a “superhuman accomplishment”
he was upping his donation to $100,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the
elderly Italian firefighters, particularly the Chief.

A local TV news crew had been covering the fire and the reporter asked the Italian fire chief
what he was going to do with all the money.

“Wella,” said 70-year-old Lodi fire chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, “de fursta ting we gonna do
isa fixa de brakes ona dat @@#$%^^* truck!”

38

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you’ve done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left – phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 – are you ready?"

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?

Is it…

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it…but I’m not 100%…

No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…”

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer – fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…It’s a Cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis: "Barbara…you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

NOT INTENDED TO INSULT ANY BLONDES :slight_smile:

39

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. Hello?’ she cried, but no answer.

‘Is there anyone here?’ she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared because there were no brain cells around, and she yelled at the top of her voice,

‘HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?’

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
‘We’re down here.’
:stuck_out_tongue:

40

[b]Kids Thoughts on Marriage…

How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?[/b]

“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” Kally, age 9

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Allan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with.” Kirsten, age 10

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!” Cam, age 10

“No age is good to get married at… You got to be a fool to get married!” Freddie, age 6

How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?

“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.” Eddie, age 6

“You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.” Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?

“Both don’t want no more kids.” Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, age 8

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, age 10

What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” Craig, age 9

When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

“When they’re rich!” Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.” Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them… It’s the right thing to do.” Howard, age 8

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

“I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing … I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out!” Theodore, age 8

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!” Anita, age 9

“Single is better … for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers… Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.” Kirsten, age 10

What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?

“The first thing I’d say to them is: ‘Listen up, youngins … I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?’” Craig, age 9

What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?

“A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.” Marlon, age 10

How to Make a Marriage Work

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!” Ricky, age 7

“If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes… Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it.” Lori, age 8

Getting Married for a Second Time

“Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one.” Angie L., age 10

How Would the World Be Different if People Didn’t Get Married?

“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?” Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!” Roberta, age 7