I am SO innocent! I just got back from fishing off the coast of Africa. Two glorious weeks of big game fishing. The last day my guide couldn’t go out but lent me his old clunker boat to go out myself. Everything was going great with more fine fishing until the old boat gave up the ghost and just SANK underneath me. No life preserver and too far from land to swim…then the fins came towards me. But they were not sharks, they were porpoises!
I must have been getting delirius as one porpoise said to the other “Shall we save him?” The other: “No, not unless he helps us.”
I’ll help you, I’ll help you." I said. Then they explained they were immortal, talking porpoises, but in order to keep their mortality, they had to eat sea gulls and the local sea gulls had grown too wise to them.
So I gave them my word I would help them and they swam me to a local island. I staggered ashore and looked for sea gull nests. I spotted some near the shore and started towards them when I was startled to see a sleeping pride of lions between me and the nests. But I had given mt WORD! So I quietly crept through them, climbed the tree and robbed the nests of young sea gulls. I quietly crept back through the sleeping lions and made it to the shore and was about to deliver the gulls to the porpoises WHEN I WAS ARRESTED!
I was arrested for transporting young gulls over sedate lions for immortal porpoises!
Here a few years back,(very few) I got so busy and frustrated in my job, with no time for fishing or anything else, that I got desperate. I clandestinely found an underground source to a genetics research lab, where for a lot of money and the promise to divulge my secret fishin’ hole, an unscrupulous scientist made an exact clone of me. Poor guy looked just like me. I trained him to do my job, and only went to work on Thursdays to keep track of things. People kept asking me why I had started using all that foul and obscene language. I played dumb, but spied on my stand-in, and it was really bad. Potty mouth to the extreme. I tried to train it out of him, but nothing worked. He was ruining my stellar reputation, and all he wanted to do was fish with worms. So there was only one thing to do. I took him up on the bluff above Grogan’s farm, and lured him out to the edge with a bottle of Power Bait. Then I nudged him over the edge. Unbeknownst to me, the cops were suspicious, and had been tailing me, and saw the whole thing. They arrested me for making an Oscene Clone Fall.
…
Take that.
Every hear about the great pitcher for the Milwaukee Brewers. His only problem is that he liked to drink beer during the game. By the time the 8th inning came in the playoff game came, with bases loaded score tied, Milt Famey had had his fill. On the mound, soooo distracted from the drinking and needing to pee he missed two pitches in a row and walkind in the winning run.
And thats the story of the beer that made Milt Famey walk us.
I was fishing on an ocean pier once and I saw a fisherman coming my way. He was carrying his gear and staring down at the slits between the boards as he walked. In fact, he was so mesmerized by the slits that he walked right off the end of the pier and fell into the ocean.
Way back before I was arrested for making the Obscene Clone Fall, I was a baker. One day I got the brilliant idea that people would enjoy my bread much more if they didn’t have to slice it themselves. (I told you it was way back) So, I found a knife that did a pretty good job of slicing the bread. The bread business picked up. In a fit of creative thinking, I deduced that if I could increase my production, I could sell more sliced bread. I found a knife that would slice two loaves at the same time, and business jumped. Following that reasoning, I found a knife that would slice three loaves at once, and business prospered. “I’m gonna’ get rich”, I told myself. I’ll do four at once. I searched for such a knife, to cut four loaves, but couldn’t find one anywhere. I searched the land for miles around, and nowhere could I find such a knife. I’d almost given up my search, when my travels took me to a little village that had a little shop with a sign that said, “Knives”. I searched among the displays, until way back in the corner, I finally saw it. I leapt in the air, and mightily exclaimed, “EUREKA, at last I’ve found it. A FOUR LOAF CLEAVER”!!
So this astronaut lands on Mars and is surrounded by these furry creatures. He says; “Take me to your leader.” They take him to this cave that has a furry creature perched on a rock. The furry creature has a hypordermic sticking out of the top of it’s head. The astronaut asks; “Are you the leader?” The creature replies; “No. I’m the furry with the syringe on the top.”
LOL
I couldn’t help sharing these with the wife while she was finishing dishes (I made dinner).
She says “Y’ALL need to get back on your meds”.
LOL
Quinn
Two guys from Oklahoma are driving south through Texas (to fish the gulf, of course). Them come to the town of Nacogdoches. They’ve never seen or heard of the town, and have no idea how to pronounce it, so they stop for a burger and fries and after they order, one of them queries the girl at the counter, “We’ve never been here before. Can you tell us how to pronounce where we are?”
She looks at them a little funny, leans really close and VERY slowly and clearly says…
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“DAIRY QUEEN”
BTW how did you do fishing?