This may sound strange, but I believe I have
reached the age known as a “geezer.” Don’t
get me wrong, I don’t believe I’m an old geezer
yet; maybe just a young geezer. However, when
the bouquet of black balloons arrived at my
workplace on my 50th birthday (Feb. 19th), the
young whippersnappers I work with started calling
me an old geezer. I have my loving and vengeful
wife to thank for that one. She got her black
balloons a couple of years ago.
I believe that the term geezer is a hard one to
identify; so I have developed a list of a few
symptoms that go along with the title to help
us all better identify if we have reached or
are approaching that special age and the title
that goes with it. (Did you expect anything
else from me?) I’ll warn you now; this may be
a bit painful for some of you. If you have a
bad heart or declining sense of humor, don’t
read any further. In fact, if you can’t laugh
at yourself or if you are sensitive about your
age, you might want to read something else. This
could get real ugly for some of you, and fast.
Anyway, before my fading memory causes me to forget
what I was writing, I better get to the list as soon
as possible. If any of these symptoms fit you, keep
it to yourself. That is especially true if you are
younger than I am. If you forget this warning and
expose your true age, don’t blame me for the results.
For all you geezers, get your reading glasses and
follow along with me.
-
If your broad shoulders and thick chest
have migrated to the vicinity of your belt, you
might be a geezer. -
If you can remember watching Bart Starr
play (live) in a super bowl, and especially if you
remember which super bowls he played in, you might
be a geezer. -
If your hair is vacating your head and
taking up residence in your ears, eyebrows and
nose, you might be a geezer. -
If you have ever attended a sock hop,
you might be a geezer. -
If your eyebrows are thick and stiff enough
to scrub the dirt off a truck tire, you might be a
geezer. -
If you can actually remember when the
Lakers played basketball in Minnesota, you might
be a geezer. -
If you regularly take aspirin for something
other than pain, you might be a geezer. -
If you can actually remember the terms of
more than nine presidents, you might be a geezer. -
If you think, “getting lucky,” means finally
winning at bingo, you might be a geezer. -
If you wear flip-down magnifiers on your
fishing hat to avoid asking a stranger to thread
the tippet through the eye of your dry fly, you
might be a geezer. -
If hearing a pin drop requires turning up
a device in your ear, you might be a geezer. -
If your glasses have more than one strength
in each lens, you might be a geezer. -
If the regular movement you’re most concerned
with involves any part of your gastro-intestinal
system, you might be a geezer. -
If milk was ever delivered to your door in
a glass bottle, you might be a geezer. -
If your ability to remember things is exceeded
by your ability to forget them, you might be a geezer. -
If the fiber you think about most often is
something you take internally, you might be a geezer. -
If you can remember using a soft drink
machine that served those soft drinks in returnable
bottles for less than a dime, you might be a geezer. -
If the popular flies you started fishing with
had names like “professor,” “gray hackle peacock,” “mite”
or “gray hackle yellow,” you might be a geezer. -
If you watched the premier of any Elvis
beach movie, you might be a geezer. -
If you can remember what you were doing the
day JFK was shot, you might be a geezer. -
If your feet fall asleep before you do,
you might be a geezer. -
If you ever paid less than 30 cents a
gallon for gasoline, you might be a geezer. -
If you remember a brand of chewing gum
named after a popular card game, and especially
if you can name the brand, you might be a geezer. -
If you have ever stepped on a device on
the floorboard of an automobile to engage the
starter, you might be a geezer. -
If you ever owned a new Edsel, and especially
if you remember which motor company they were made
by, you might be a geezer. -
If you remember watching the Ed Sullivan
show on TV, you might be a geezer. -
If you have ever used an outhouse, and
especially if you remember why there was a Sears
& Roebuck or Montgomery Wards catalog in that
outhouse, you might be a geezer. -
If you can remember the “new” television
series called “The Lone Ranger,” you might be a
geezer. (no reruns allowed) -
If you can tell me who “Howdy Doody” was,
you might be a geezer. -
If you remember when the Dodgers played
in Brooklyn, you might be a geezer. -
If you remember a Saturday morning TV show
that involved a lamb puppet and a pretty young lady,
you might be a geezer. -
If you can remember the TV theme tune that
had these letters “MIC…KEY”, you might be a geezer. -
If you can remember carhops on roller skates,
you might be a geezer. -
If you know what green stamps were used
for, you might be a geezer. -
If you know what a roller skate key is
used for, you might be a geezer. -
If you can remember drinking a “fizzy”,
you might be a geezer. -
If your teeth spend the night in any place
other than your mouth, you might be a geezer. -
If you remember what character Dennis Weaver
played in Gunsmoke, you might be a geezer. -
If the hair color on your driver’s license
has already changed to gray, you might be a geezer. -
And finally, if any part of your body is
man-made, you might be a geezer.
Well, how did you do? If you remember more than 10,
you’re probably approaching the geezer age. If you
remember more than 20, you’re already there. If you
got more than 30 right, you are entrenched in geezerhood.
If you remember all 40, I’m surprised you can remember
anything at all. You are a true geezer. Uh oh,
since I made this list from memory, what does that
mean for me? I think I need to go rest for a while.
~ AC
Originally published March 1, 2004 on Fly Anglers Online by Al Campbell.