Pet Rules, Memo to Family Dog and Cat - Lighter Side

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February 7th, 2005

Pet Rules, Memo to Family Dog and Cat

  1. When I say move, it means go someplace else.
    It does not mean switch positions with each other
    so there are still two of you in the way.

  2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain
    your food. All other dishes are mine and contain
    my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print
    in the middle of my dinner does not stake your
    claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically
    pleasing in any way.)

  3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and
    is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is
    not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because
    I fall faster than you can run.

  4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size
    bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that
    sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball,
    so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
    each other, stretched out to the fullest extent
    possible.

  5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

  6. For the last time, humans like to use the
    bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you
    there and manage to get the door shut, it won’t
    help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get
    your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
    open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom
    for years…canine or feline attendance is not
    mandatory.)

  7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not
    funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and
    drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch,
    no matter how much that makes other family members
    laugh.

  8. Dog: Don’t think for a minute that making a sad
    face and whimpering pathetically will get you out
    of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet.
    The face and the whimpering only validate that you
    knew it was wrong when you did it.

  9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich
    is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and
    then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

  10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then
    go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message
on our front door:Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and
Complain About Our Pets:

  1. They live here; you don’t.

  2. If you don’t want their hair on your
    clothes, stay off the furniture.

  3. I like my pet(s) better than I like
    most people.

  4. To you it’s an animal. To me, it’s an
    adopted child who is short, hairy, walks
    on all fours and is speech-challenged.

  5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They
    eat less, are easier to train, usually come
    when called, don’t ask for money, never drive
    your car, don’t hang out with losers, don’t
    drink or smoke, and don’t worry about the
    latest fashions.

  6. If you don’t like it, don’t go away
    mad, just go away.

Originally published February 7th, 2005 on Fly Anglers Online.