Taken from The Sunday edition of Ohio’s SoWhatsItToYa’ Newspaper:
Date: 09/21/08:
"Ester Gear, the Governor of The Island Nation Of Ohio, has declared that "Henceforth, this glorious date of September 21, 2008, shall be forward known as “The Vast Improvement of Our Nation’s Population Day”!!
Governor Gear, declared this statement when it was brought to her attention, the exodus from her Island Nation’s populace, of what’s been described as; Our most “miscreant citizens”, which have supposedly embarked from the nation’s borders to relocate to another area.
When questioned, as to “how can a holiday of such importance be declared over the mere debarkation of only 3 citizens?”, Governor Gear remarked; “You have NO IDEA, what “these few” leaving, ,mean to the overall improvement of our Nation’s reputation, economic stability and appearance as a whole, to the rest of the world!”
After searching Ohio’s records, including post office posters, Veterinarian birth records,various parole boards and landfill excavation sites, for identification of the migrating citizens, reported to be on this “exodus”, this reporter, in an effort to quell rumors, as well as to not heighten anyone’s false hopes, has learned the names of those purportedly responsible for this celebration:
(Known, “Alias names” have been used, to protect this paper from any and all litigation):
“OhioFly”- “Known to increase the already strained numbers of The Nation’s population base by his flirtatious actions”.
“OhioTuber”- (also goes by “The Buckeye Bandit”, “Vise Thief”,and “Fudge Breath”- “Known to willfully swindle innocent newbies, to the sport of fly fishing, out of their very expensive pieces of various gear at unheard of and ridiculous prices”. (CAUTION! Obviously has NO conscious, approach with care if spotted).
“Joe V.”- (also goes by “The Photdough God”, “The Oven God”, “The SPAM God”. “Warrior For A SPAM Free World” and “Who,Me?”.
"Known for very little of any importance. Actually thought to be “quite benign”, as he seldom is spotted out of doors. Spends the majority of his time alone in his own kitchen. IF, spotted, however he can be easily recognized by the rapid wringing of his hands, a red “oven glow” to his eyes and his low utterance of the words “SPAM” and “Better Bread, Better Bread”, all words are repeated over and over again, to the point of nausea.
The above list is supposedly on their way to an undisclosed location, known only as “Notrouts North Dakota”.
However, Governer Gear was overheard exclaiming at a press conference: “We don’t care WHERE IT IS, as long as it’s NOT still, within OUR borders!”
I TOLD YOU GUY’S! Joe I’ve packed the Spam, Mikey bring some Fudge. We’re moving to Trout country, Now that they have Trout.
