What is life if there is not laughter?
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June 14th, 2004
Mars & Venus on Earth
Here is a great classic that is worth reading,
even if you have seen it before:
A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts;
they have a pretty good time. A few nights later
he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other
regularly, and after a while neither one of them
is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home,
a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really
thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that,
as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for
exactly six months?
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine,
it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to
herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I
said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by
our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to
push him into some kind of commitment that he
doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure
I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes
I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time
to think about whether I really want us to keep
going the way we are, moving steadily toward…I
mean, where are we going? Are we just going to
keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children?
Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?
And Roger is thinking:…so that means it was…let’s
see…February when we started going out, which was
right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which
means…lemme check the odometer…whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: he’s upset. I can see it
on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely
wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has
sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was
feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it.
That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything
about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being
rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them
look at the transmission again. I don’t care what
those morons say, it’s still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87
degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a
darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent
thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t
blame him. I’d be angry, too. God, I feel so
guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t
help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s
only a 90 day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re
gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic,
waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white
horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly
good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly
care about me. A person who is in pain because of
my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty?
I’ll give them a darn warranty. I’ll take their
warranty and stick it right up their…
Roger, Elaine says aloud.
What? says Roger, startled.
Please don’t torture yourself like this, she says,
her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I
should never have .. Oh God, I feel so…(She breaks
down, sobbing.)
What? says Roger. I’m such a fool, Elaine sobs.
I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know
that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s
no horse.
There’s no horse? says Roger.
You think I’m a fool, don’t you? Elaine says.
No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct
answer.
It’s just that…It’s that I…I need some time,
Elaine says.
(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking
as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe
response. Finally he comes up with one that he
thinks might work.)
“Yes” he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
“Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.
“What way?” says Roger.
“That way about time,” says Elaine.
“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply
into his eyes, causing him to become very
nervous about what she might say next, especially
if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
“Thank you, Roger”, she says.
“Thank you,” says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed,
a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn,
whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens
a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately
becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A
tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells
him that something major was going on back there
in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way
he would ever understand what, and so he figures
it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This
is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend,
or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about
this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything
she said and everything he said, going over it time
and time again, exploring every word, expression,
and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue
to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks,
maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it,
either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while fly fishing one day with
a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause
just before casting, frown, and say: “Norm, you’ve
known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own
a horse?”
Originally published June 14th, 2004 on Fly Anglers Online.