A bit of Military Humor to make you smile.

[nighthawk]

I needed a smile tonight so I decided to post something I found that I think is funny. All will appreciate this good, clean humor, I hope. I know the Veterans here will be nodding their heads in agreement with this:


The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
(Snake Model)

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest, and manicures.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while sling loading anti-snake equipment, pilot cuts sling load. Sling load lands on snake and kills it. Crew chief uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, can?t do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.

[nen-bran]

PERFECT!!! what a day...strep kept me from school and 3 drumline performances, but this cheers me up a bit!!! Infantry, Ranger, Marine, and Navy Pilot are all TOO TRUE!!!

nen-bran

[flyfishfairwx]

Canadian Forces Communications Branch, Differential Theory

Damn You all have big transmitters (200,00) Watts, ours are small, we will pay to use yours and then we will sterilize the snake and then in 4 years no more snake prob, or we will use it to broadcast peacekeeping msg's

Thanks that was very well written..

Ray Fairweather,
Signals Sgt Rtr'd,

[DickM]

Nighthawk.........................
Here's a spinoff called:
Military Rules

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a
"4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is
expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal
preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to
shoot...

Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lieutenants. They can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "What is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough
to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

[clyde holmes]

DickM, As a " Once a Marine always a Marine" that is pretty much what was pounded into our grey matter. You forgot " Nuke em all let God sort out the pieces"

[Steve Molcsan]

Quote; US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

----------

I fell out of my chair, thanks for this!


Take care!

Steve

[GrayGhost]

here what I was told when thinking of joining the arm service, this was before I found out they were not taking any one over 6 feet 5 inches( I was at the time just over 6 feet 7 inches)
Army if you want to walk
Navy if you wanted tradition
Air Froce if you wanted a Job
Marine if you wanted to be a Jar head( this was told to me by a Marine)
Ghost.

[DickM]

An ex-marine buddy of mine told me that I missed one of the Marines Corps Rules:
1a. Prisoners are extra baggage,slit throats don't talk.

[PaGuy]

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "What is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough
to have tax exemption.

Ouch that one hurt