Kids and Punishment

[ohiotuber]

One of my Dad's favorite sayings when we stepped out of line was..."How'd you like your ears boxed?"....bottom line?...the man never hit us & never needed to. Punishments were ALWAYS worse than the crime. Dad said that if the punishment was too strict, we'd think twice before repeating the act!

The REAL bottom line IMHO is...
Set & live the right example, combine that with love & respect, and you'll be fine!
Mike

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"I've HAD muh say!".....
George MacMichael from The Real Mccoys

[Jed]

Children learn by example. That is one reason why abusive people often had abusive parents. The single most important factor is modeling the proper behavior for your children. This happens whenever you are in the same place at the same time. Far more often than the punishments in life. Therefore if you don't want your children to curse, don't curse in front of them. IF you don't want your children to steal, don't steal in their presence.

It is also important to have clear and understandable rules. No cursing, you cannot leave the area when you go out to play. You may not take things that are not yours. As children get older the subtlties of rules increases. Complex moral values need to be set. You may have a drink with the family to toast a marriage, you may not drink with your friends Friday night. You may drive the car, but not unsafely or with your friend when you are getting roudy. etc.

Rules must also have logical consequences. If you throw your toys in anger you must pick them up. If you punch a hole in the wall you must repair and paint it. If you are caught drinking and driving you cannot drive the car. This method reinforces the proper behavior and has the punishment fit the "crime".

I have raised three wonderful responsible children and administered a total of 2 spankings, one of which I regret. I do not believe it is necessary to raise most children. Their are exceptions, but exceptions are rare and are usuaslly associated with a specific condition that requires it,that condition being a condition of the child, not the parent.

Your job as a parent is to instill in your children a good moral compass and the ability to make proper decisions. I do not think that spanking is necessary to accomplish this. Spanking is modeling behavior that is not to be encouraged.

jed

[Jackster]

I just wish whoever came up with the 'hands-off' method of child rearing had tested it on a sample group first... hopefully far away from me!
It seems many of this new generation growing up do not know that wrong is wrong and the world does not revolve around them alone. We call them 'the entitlement generation'. They feel they are entitled to everything we are but without the work, study and sacrifice involved in getting there.
My daughters were essentially told in school that self-esteem was all important and that THEY have no control over their own self-esteem, it was given and taken from their parents. My youngest, who in 'olden days' would have been considered an 'A' student was given middle-of-the-road grades many times in elementary school because, as the teacher said, 'we don't want to discourage those who 'can't'! Give me strength! This new-age B.S. thinking would rather discourage those who 'can'?
My father raised six boys and two girls. He did not 'spare the rod', but only used it as a last resort or to teach a hard lesson. I will tell you this, not a one of us ended up in jail, were abusive to our children, felt we were automatically 'owed' anything we desired or were inconsiderate to others.
I can see the results of 'hands-off' child rearing in the Charlotte school system. The kids run the school and play the game of 'getting away with it' to perfection.
Their lack of respect, decency, consideration for others and values is clearly a result of knowing their punishments rarely match the crimes.
We are screwing up an entire generation and raising kids who only know 'I, me, mine'.
Bring back 'the cloak room' and the paddle and the result might very well be adults who are part of the world instead of the center of it.

[This message has been edited by Jackster (edited 20 August 2005).]

[Marco]

Jackster, Right ON. Very meaningful last thought too.
I once heard or read : " Show me your children and I'll tell you who you are". I personally think THAT is very telling and accurate. Would anyone argue that point ( rhetorical qustion)?

Mark

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I'd rather be in Wyoming!

[LadyFisher]

If you wonder what happened to our school systems you might want to read a book from an insider:
Invasion Within by Domenick J. Maglio

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LadyFisher, Publisher of
FAOL

[LadyFisher]

Chris, if you don't mind, I would like to know where in your life you took up fly fishing and why. There might be an interesting story there.

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LadyFisher, Publisher of
FAOL

[Harold Hattaway]

tyflier


Well said my friend. I came from the exact opposite of Tyflier except for the parents working part. My parents were both in the food business, I remember working in my parents restaurant before the 6th grade. We got out of school and went to the restaurant and helped out and did our homework.

My parents taught us right from wrong, and the spankings came when we needed them. I do not remember many so it must not have been too many of them. I do remember my father talking to me about right and wrong many times. It must have worked because my kids got the same treatment. Spankings were very rare. I do believe they work but only up to a certain age (that age is determined by the maturity of the child).

Children need love and lots of attention. They need to be teased, taught to think out side the box, they need a feeling of security and most they need someone to look up to. If you fill all of those you will make a good parent. If you do the extra like sneaking into their bedroom at 4:00am and taking them fishing you will be a great parent in their eyes.

I found out that if I sat my kids down and talked about life, then they made my life easier. If I were to ignore them chances are my life would be less fun and a whole lot less rewarding.

zimrx17; You have a good heart, trust it and you will be a great parent. But remember this, little people have minds also, and sometimes they need someone to listen to what they have to say. You might just be surprised at what they think.
Fishing is the best way to get a kid out of a funky mood. Or maybe I should say it this way, paying special attention to a kid is the best way to make them the kids you want them to be. Remember we are their guides through life not just to the best fishing holes.

I will say that some of my favorite times were spent on the lake with my dad, a small boat and a lot of fishing. But then Dad was one of my heroes.

Harold

[Gringo]

Hey Chris - thanks for that story.

I am heartened by it. Good on ya mate.

[Gnu Bee Flyer]

Chris , I was a single parent who raised two kids on my own and now have 3 wonderful grandchildren . Its hard but its worth it . I had no great philosophy on raising kids just instinct . I"m amazed that it worked .

I can't say it better than gringo so I stole his line .
- thanks for that story.
I am heartened by it. Good on ya mate.

Y'know, I've read this thread with huge interest....Chris baring his soul moves me. So I sit here and say, "OK old man, what is (was) my secret method that worked so very well?"

To tell the truth, I don't really know. I have 5 "kids", the oldest is 50 and the youngest is 28. First marriage produced three kids and present marriage of 36 years brought me the last two. All 5 are close to each other, all 5 are quite successful in life with very good careers (in fact one is already retired "set for life"), all 5 have the model citizen type of home life, etc. etc. etc. And yet, each is his/her own person.

I'm sure I made many more mistakes in child rearing than I should have. The "rod" was used progressively less as each child came along (I probably became more tolerant as life wore on). The first 3 were children in a house that had to search for every nickle and the last two went to private schools, "had the best", etc. Yet all 5 are remarkably the same in many respects. They all have the same general moral values, the same general outlook towards life. Here's an ironic fact, all five are Democrats and their old man is a real conservative. Sign of the times?

So, what's the secret?? Danged if I know. What I do know is that I love each of them with all of my heart. Always have, always will.

Gonna be one of my life's high points in a couple of weeks. #3 son (#4 child) is getting married on Sept. 4 and the entire family of 14 - make that 15 since the youngest one is bringing his girlfriend - will be together for several days. This'll be one happy Old Guy. Also, after the wedding, the Groom and I are gonna spend a couple days on a private stretch of a river in Colorado before he sets off on life as a married man. (They're going on their Honeymoon later in the year for those who lift an eyebrow.) The others don't fly fish but we'll all be together in the evenings.

So, in the end, I don't have answers, I only have more questions.

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Snow on the roof but with fire still in the hearth