;)How to Give a Cat a Pill:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of
your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat
from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low
growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to
lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful
to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get
another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in
cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle
of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the
$#%$&*#$ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bast***'s front paws to
rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg
of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters…
How to Give A Dog A Pill:
Wrap it in bacon