Lessons LEARNED!!

FAOL Community Sound Off
1

This is for most of the guys…

We all know a few thing “NOT” to say to the wife (or the women in our lifes)…
Like…

(1.) when she asks “does this make me looks fat?”…
you say… “No Sweetie… you look fine!!” (right.)

Dont ever say: " well it doesnt make you looks “as” fat"… (this is bad!!)

(2.) When you get home from fishing…

NEVER… go take a nap, get up… and say “Sweetie…Im going fishing again!”

(3.) when she says: " How does my hair look?"

GUYS: Look up at her and say… “It looks fine”…
dont continue tying your flies when you say this… they will get mad!!!

We all knew these… what are some that just slips out and you dont notice… BUT SHE DOES!

(4.) We all know that some of us dont really like the “In-Laws”… Never annouce this during a holiday… They are probably at the house and the other (spouse) went to the store for something, When she tells you they’re coming over…

(5.) when the wife says that she doesnt have any warm socks for winter…
DONT BUY HER SOCK FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

(6.) Never tell them that you saw an old Girlfriend in town… they always think of the worst.

This is the one that got me in trouble…

my wife say her neck and back was hurting… and asked me to feel it, it felt like a bone mis-lined.
and wonder if she should have it checked out.

I say: Dont worry about it honey… Its probably just your “hunch”…
HOLY CRAP… bad idea!!!
Never tell your wife she has a hunch…LOL

she has a small hump, but it runs in her family. We have been together for over 8 years… I know her dad (he has it)… I know her grandma (she has it)… also… her brother, her aunt, 2 of her uncles… I guess she never noticed a hunch in her family…

BUT SHE KNOWS NOW!!!

who else said something that you can “WARN” the rest of us about??

Leonard

2

That dress makes your saddlebags look worse.
The saleslady didn’t like me either:confused:

3

"Honey…do these pants make my butt look big? "
My question is what you should say when the truth is yes…

Years ago when my son (the youngest) was about 7 yrs old, His older sister, (then about 14) was bending over getting something out of a low cabinet in the kitchen. He was behind her, she was intent on what she was doing. He caught my eye, and with hand motions like a guy showing the size of a fish, he looked back and forth between her butt, me, and his hands, as he gradually drew them further and further apart, while looking studious and contemplative. :shock: She turned her head just in time to catch him with his arms spread wide, nodding and grinning ear to ear:mrgreen:…
Sis whopped him a good one and walked out of the room without a word…
Never, Ever do what he did…M.D.

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Always happy to share the dog house…er…canoe with you guys!

5

My oldest daughter (now 15)…

when she was 3, we were in a grocery store getting dinner went to the check-out. There was a very large women standing in front of me.

well back then people carried pagers not cell phones…

her pager started going off…

Beeeep… beeep… beeep… beeep…

with a small tug on my pants leg… I hear…

" Daddy… watch out she is getting ready to back up!!"

the lady turn around looked at me and said…
“AWE… now That was so cute!!”

I was redder the a BEET…

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I learned from my father BEFORE I was married over 35 years ago, to NEVER answer any of those questions. When asked an incriminating question, I simply say “…whatever you think is fine by me,” or “…what answer are you looking for?”

Why don’t they call their girl friends and ask THEM those questions? We are placed in a no-win situation regardless of the answer, and, as Paul says, we end up getting “schmucked upside the head” because we happen to be born truthful (but we grow out of it by necessity).

Joseph the Coward

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Sitting at the kitchen table, my Sister in Law says to My wife, Do these Jeans make me look fat? I dearly wanted to say no, your big butt makes you look fat. But I have learned so I kept my big mouth shut. A tiny snicker slipped out. Sis in law did not hear it but Wifey did. I got “the Look”. Sis in law sees something is up. She senses weakness so she of course attacks. Turning to me she says well? Do YOU think these Jeans make me look fat? I suffer a brief moment of panic. Finally I am able to reply. (which by the way saves my life ) Does this shirt make me look stupid? The two of them laughed at that and I was saved.

The big bonus was later when wifey asks about the snicker I tell her I just thought of the do I look stupid line and it made me laugh.

It may be true that the truth will set you free, but a quick lie can save your life. :mrgreen:

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#3 always got me in trouble…Colleen would get home from the hairdressers where, in typical “woman” fashion, she got her hair done so her girlfriends would think it stylish, then ask me what it looked like (as if she cared what I thought!)…Then, trying to save time (so she could get to the phone & call her friends to describe it), I would simply give her a single, 4 letter answer (usually starting with “H” or “S”) & she would REALLY get mad! Honestly, NO sense of humor!!

Woof! Woof!..More Milk Bones please?
Mikey

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This is a tricky one that often catches one unprepared:

“Do you think Sally is attractive?” (where Sally is one of her friends, or a coworker of yours, etc).

This one is very dangerous for the unwarry. But, I assure you, there is only one correct answer, and that is:

“Gee honey. I’ve never really thought about it before.”

  • Jeff
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Never tell your wife “thank God you do not look like your mother”

Never tell your mother in law “thank God your daugher does not look like you”

Never answer the door without your shirt when your wife’s friends are comming over

Never tell your wife she has too many shoes because she will tell you “you have to many fly rods”

Never ask to change the channel to football and then expect anything (and I do mean anything) to happen latter.

Never make a comment about any movie she ever rents

New Waders are not as important as a bikini wax before vacation.

A Fly Fishing vest is not what she ment by new clothes for Christmas

Spending time together does not mean going fishing it means shopping

Never laugh out loud when she has taken you shopping and she tries something on that looks just plain stupid.

Here is just a few things not to do I hope you do not make these mistake like I have

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Oh, don’t get me started with the mother-in-law comparisons. While my wife does not LOOK like her mother, she surely has turned into the same ‘correction machine’ that her mother was. Just get one minuscule, teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy detail wrong when telling a story, and she’s on it like ‘white on rice’ (family friendly analogy…not what I really mean to say) correcting you in front of God and everyone else who is within earshot. This is done so she can prove her superiority in NEVER forgetting anything. It’s done to impress other females and to let males know where they are in the hierarchy. I’ve been reminded of things I did when we were dating in the '60’s. And they wonder why we hang out with our forgetful, beer drinking, fly tying, low life friends instead of wanting to go to the church social or J.C.Penny’s with them.

Why do men die earlier than women? Self defense.

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My bad experience quote: “Nope, it isn’t the (pants, dress, shorts, etc)…OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!OUCH!”

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Oh dear Goddddddddddddddd.
WHAT PERVERT, started THIS THREAD? You’d THINK, after I’ve already mentioned several times, that "My wife enjoys looking over my shoulder at times, on this site, because as she terms it; “I just LOVE, reading things from that “Joe friend of yours”! His WIFE must BE A SAINT!” THEN, she’ll add… “And you guys all pick on that poor Ohio Tuber person too much! He seems very nice!”
Now add to those facts…that my bride is a full blooded, red headed, Irish lass,with a “temper fuse” a just a hair shorter than Jack Hise’s attention span and I’m supposed to respond to; “Things I shouldn’t have said, or I wouldn’t have these scars I have today?”
Well, hang on, she’s grabbing her keys, as I type so I’ll be right back…

There, I’m safe. For now.
“Honey, do THESE, particular pants make my butt look big?”
“Not, really. ALL your pants, look about the same on you, why?”

DO NOT........ "Buy your present wife, a gift and wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!... on the date, that's NOT her birthday, but instead is the anniversary date of you and your first wife's marriage.(This, also, is not a good thing when you've forgotten her REAL birthday which was 4 days previous).

“YOU’D, see the LOGIC, in this if you weren’t a FEMALE!”

“I swear, Tammi, you can be SOOOO DARN STUBBORN at times, like NOW for instance,…” when her name is Linda.

“I’m not SAYING, dear, that this new dish is BAD , or it’s not “tasty” but the dog’s not even begging!?”

Never, ever, EVERRRRRR, make the comparison… “Well, your YOUNGER sister, wears a dress like that one and it looks REALLY GOOD, on her!”

When it’s the date of your ex-wife’s birthday, DON’T buy your present wife a gift and "wish her a “Happy Anniversary”.

"No, Sweetheart, not ALL WOMEN, think like that! Why, I’ve KNOWN SEVERAL, that… "
No matter, what you two were talking about, if you throw that in, you’re dead in your tracks. Trust me.

Frankly, there’s not enough ink left in my keyboard, to list ALL the things you can say, do, imply and even LOOK like you’re thinking a “male thought”, when married to an Irish girl with a temper like an out of balance jet turbine.

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Oh Lord! Thank God I’m Single!! The furling board is set up on the kitchen counter, fly rods are leaning on the couch, the coffee table is covered up with fly fishing gear, the sink is 1/2 full of dirty dishes (I’ll do them when it’s full!) and the lawn needs mowed!! I think I’ll go fishing, Thursday is supposed to be a nice day!!
All my Exes live in Texas so that’s why I reside in Tennessee!

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We lose just by waking up each day. There should be an age when men go and live with other men who think like them (or don’t think at all), and women should go live with other women so they have someone to listen to their ranting and raving about the lousy men in their lives and all the mistakes they make as human beings. Plus, this would work well for the women when they get dressed, because they are dressing to impress each other, not to impress us. Would they lie to each other?:rolleyes:

Hell, I’d be happy to just go live with the dog, who, by the way, loves me unconditionally, even if I forget to put down the seat. She’ll just take her cold drink with the seat up or down. Plus, she’ll curl up on my feet to keep them warm on a cold night, and give me a kiss even if I’ve had a couple of Guiness.

This is really a losing thread. What a bunch of sickos we are.

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Women live longer than men,…because they want to.

Unless it’s totally, unequivocally, indubitably, obvious, don’t ask a female aquaintance, “when are you due”? I did. "bout 4 years ago. She wasn’t. She still doesn’t aknowlege my existence, and I’m still not quite thawed out from the icy stare I got.

Women have many many faults. Men have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do. Unknown.

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Lew, thanks!! That reminded me of yet another mistake, I’d used, (ONLY ONCE!!) in my earlier “Silver Tongued Days”…
If you KNOW for SURE, that they’re pregnant, you can pretty well be excused for many mistakes, just on the grounds of “being an ignorant male”, “being intelligent, but STILL being A MALE”, etc. So, you can ask “When are you due?”, “When is your due date?” “When is the glorious event to take place?”, ANYTHING just about along those lines. But, you NEVER, EVER, even being a dog breeder, as I am and very used to using the term… do you ask ANY WOMAN, “So! What’s your date of whelp??”

Another, that I found out the “hard way” was trying to be NICE, when a lady of your acquaintance, “is with child” so you try and be NICE and even possibly light hearted to ease her possible discomfort, so you jokingly mention to her…
“Ya’, know…for such a HEAVY GIRL, ya’ sure don’t SWEAT much!”

Joe; You’re SO RIGHT, on the mother in-law front!! I’ve gotten thrown against a few walls, on various occasions, when telling my Linda… “Well, dear AT LEAST you’re NOT LIKE your MOTHER!”. After healing up to a certain degree, I tried to reverse the error of my ways, the next time the same type of discussion came up and told her THAT TIME… “Yep!You’re JUST LIKE,your MOTHER!”
Same response, same velocity against the same walls.
However, in all fairness, one of my past mother in-laws, (#2 or #3, can’t remember, right now), was so cool, when the divorce from her daughter started SHE paid HER attorney to handle MY side of the divorce and informed her own daughter to “find your OWN!!” (Always DID, like that woman a lot!)

18

My Oh MY. I do not have any of these problems. No serious. I’ve said just about all of these things mentioned here to my wife and I do not even have any bruises to show for it. The worse I’ve ever got from her was two weeks of silent treatment. I yelled at her for calling me at work “because our 5 year old at the time started to sneeze”. I was holding and trying to nail a heavy rafter four stories up when the phone rang. (Phone did not survived!!! :slight_smile: ).
I keep telling her she’s fat and ugly (Sometimes even worse). I get called names that are not suitable for family web site. And than we just keep on like nothing ever happened.

I will stop at the store on the way home tonight to get her some flowers. She must be pure GOLD!!!

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Well I’m not married but I can contribute to this…
I know that asking a woman when she’s due when she isn’t pregnant is pretty bad… To me it’s just funny… BUT, I have noticed with some women, if you don’t acknowledge the fact that they are pregnant, they get offended. So either way you risk something.

I once told a friend’s wife that she looked like she lost weight. She said, “Well, I did just have a baby.” And she knew that wasn’t what I meant.

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I tell my wife thank god you don’t look like you’re mother an she’s glad too.