Not ff, but I thought this was hilarious and sounds just like something the NVBOF boys would do what do you think:?:
This is kinda long but cute
> IT SAYS - This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle…then find
> yourself laughing out loud.
>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
> my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
> a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??
>
> ‘WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home.
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the b
> utton AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get
> the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
> the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
> thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two
> triple-A batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
> and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
> to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
> want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, and taser in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries.? ? All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring
> about 5’ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
> and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
> ‘no possible way!’
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…?
> ? I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as to say, ‘don’t do it master,’ reasoning that a one-second burst
> from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided
> to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
> prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
>
> I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
> up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> over and over again.
>
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
> in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
> be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
> and tingling in my legs?
>
> The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, ‘Do it again,
> stupid, do it again!’
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one
> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
> zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
>
> A three-second burst would be considered conservative?
>
> SON-OF-A-… That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can’t be
> sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
> (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
> reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up
> there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
> weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles! I’m offering a
> significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
> ‘If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.’
