Just thought you folks might need a smile. The airlines can be funny to. These are supposed to be true to. 
Ron
>>>Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
>>>Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
>>>Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
>>>
>>>
>>>Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
>>>TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
>>>here?”
>>>Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
>>>727?”
>>>
>>>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m
>>>f…ing
>>>bored!”
>>>Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
>>>immediately!”
>>>Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”
>>>
>>>O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
>>>Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
>>>United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the
>>>little
>>>Fokker in sight.”
>>>
>>>A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
>>>attempting
>>>to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known
>>>position?”
>>>Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”
>>>
>>>A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
>>>out
>>>after touching down.
>>>San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
>>>the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
>>>exit
>>>off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
>>>
>>>
>>>There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
>>>because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air
>>>Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
>>>B-52
>>>that had one engine shut down.
>>>“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”
>>>
>>>
>>>A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the
>>>following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance
>>>time?”
>>>Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
>>>Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
>>>Germany. Why must I speak English?”
>>>Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
>>>“Because
>>>you lost the bloody war!”
>>>
>>>Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
>>>124.7”
>>>Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after
>>>we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
>>>runway.”
>>>Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
>>>Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
>>>BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
>>>yes,
>>>we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”
>>>
>>>One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
>>>of
>>>the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
>>>turned
>>>around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
>>>Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
>>>“What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
>>>The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
>>>real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
>>>I’ll have enough parts for another one.”
>>>
>>>The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
>>>short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking
>>>location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
>>>was
>>>with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
>>>exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
>>>sign Speedbird 206.
>>>Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
>>>Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
>>>The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground:
>>>“Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
>>>Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
>>>Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not
>>>been
>>>to Frankfurt before?”
>>>Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, – And I
>>>didn’t land.”
>>>
>>>While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
>>>eparting for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
>>>a
>>>United 727.
>>>An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
>>>screaming:
>>>“US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right
>>>onto
>>>Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s
>>>difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
>>>right!”
>>>Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
>>>hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever
>>>to
>>>sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to!
>>>You
>>>an expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
>>>you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
>>>You got that, US Air 2771?”
>>>“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
>>>Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
>>>silent
>>>after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
>>>the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in
>>>every
>>>cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
>>>Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
>>>asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”