Is This Where We Are Headed?
Sent in by Mike Flanagan
If you are under 50 don't bother to read this!
LOST
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as
she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen
the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm.
An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the
back-seat by mistake."
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her
foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I
going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you
as soon as I see who's at the door."
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy,
isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a
beer."
LITTLE LADY
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the
hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an
elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two
and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the
retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air
and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand
can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear
shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and
says, "Close enough."
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends
for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell
me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally
she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be
careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!"
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just
went through a red light." After a few more minutes,
they came to another intersection and the light
was red again. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she
was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman
and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and
said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
Lighter Side Archive
|
