1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if your're
going to steal your neighbors newspaper, that's
the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless
you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you pass gas.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like
everyone else.
8.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you
are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first
time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light
side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and
get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.
26. Some people are like Slinkies...not really
good for anything, but you still can't help but
smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
27. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
28. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
29. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the
quick and the dead.
30. If quitters never win, and winners never
quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit
while you're ahead?"
Lighter Side Archive
