1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle
that had its two sides, you know like gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled around in his head,
making and breaking alliances like underpants
in a dryer without Cling Free softener.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
from experience, like a guy who went blind because
he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers
of looking at solar eclipses without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli
and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as - like - whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came
as a rude shock - like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball would not.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement
like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole
scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're
on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at
7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just
like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each
other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35
mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood
with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's
teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like
two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, my Grandpappy had
a mind like a steel trap, only one that had
been left out so long that it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, just like my
brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just actually might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the
kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually
lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, just like a
dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers
chasing their kids around waving power tools
at them.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a
garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only
they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede
with 98 missing legs.
28. It really hurt like the way your tongue
hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.
Lighter Side Archive
