1. Your friends love you anyway.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the
reason why the human race has not achieved, and
never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get
up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average
drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very
important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group
of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Final thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.
They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to
stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.
