Idiot # 1: I am a medical student currently doing a
rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some
ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told
her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency
room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot # 2: Seattle: Seems that a year ago, some Boeing
employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft
from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting
it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a
float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them surprised them. It turned out that the
chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated. They are
no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys.
Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco: A man,
wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to
give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street
to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read
it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't
the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
not accept his stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man
said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later,
as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't
bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read
it anyway.
Idiot # 4: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that measured his speed using
radar and photographed his car. He later received
in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a
letter from the police that contained another picture,
this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something
worth thinking about)!
Idiot # 5: A guy walked into a little corner store with
a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw
a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on
the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't
believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because he
didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took
his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it
to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed
that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch
in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with
his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
gave the name and address of the robber that he got
off the license. They arrested the robber two hours
later. Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give
this guy his!
Idiot # 6: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record
shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted,
"Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign;
he probably figured it out himself.
Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer
pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder
block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!
Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column
reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he
said he couldn't open the cash register without a
food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.
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