Lighter Side

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October 9th, 2000

One Fly Fisherman Lamenting His Role as a Handyman.

By Al Campbell, Rapid City SD, USA

The summer that just ended was a rough one for this fisherman.  I didn't log much fishing time and I didn't do anything else of a sporting nature either. This year my wife produced a list of things she thought I needed to do to keep the old homestead in good condition. In other words, I spent the summer as an amateur carpenter.

I'm not very fond of hammers and saws. I'm even less fond of ladders, paint brushes and scaffolding, so the thought of saving money by building a garage and deck myself wasn't the least bit thrilling. To add insult to my already injured reputation, the neighbors started calling me a handyman.

Heck, I didn't even have a vague definition of what a handyman is when the summer started, but that has changed. In fact, I now have a list of symptoms to look for if you think you might be a handyman. If you find yourself exhibiting any one of these symptoms, get to a stream fast and start fishing. If you don't act fast, you too could be one of those unfortunate souls they call a "handyman."

  • If 'tip' is something you do on a ladder rather than something you leave in a restaurant, you might be a handyman.

  • If you discover that your hand holds a hammer more often than a fly rod, you might be a handyman.

  • If megahertz is how you hand feels after nailing it with a hammer, you might be a handyman.

  • If your driveway has ever had more lumber on it than automobiles, you might be a handyman.

  • If a disk is something in your back that is ruptured or out of place, you might be a handyman.

  • If more than three of the last ten phone calls you made were to a hardware store or lumber yard, you might be a handyman.

  • If pool is how you describe your blood after the saw incident, you might be a handyman.

  • If the whine of a power saw is more familiar to your ears than the bubbling of a stream or the chirp of the birds, you might be a handyman.

  • If you spent more money on saw blades than fly rods in the last year, you might be a handyman.

  • If the heaviest betting in your neighborhood involves wagers on the date and time of your next tumble from a ladder, you might be a handyman.

  • If the local lumberyard knows your bank account number better than you do, you might be a handyman.

  • If you are on a first name basis with the local building inspector, you might be a handyman.

  • If a back-cast is something you wear after the fall rather than part of your fly-casting technique, you might be a handyman.

  • When someone says the word 'eve', if you think of part of a roof rather than the day before Christmas, you might be a handyman.

  • If the lumberyard delivery drivers can quote your address from memory, you might be a handyman.

  • If 'cut and paste' is something you do with wood rather than a mouse, you might be a handyman.

  • If you have to remove the Band-Aids to see the skin on your hand, you might be a handyman.

  • If double-haul means two trips to the lumberyard rather than a way to increase the distance of your cast, you might be a handyman.

  • If your neighbors sit in chairs on your lawn with score cards in hand to rate your next Olympic class dive from the ladder, you might be a handyman.

  • If you think a line is something you snap that has chalk on it, you might be a handyman.

  • The last time you discussed a penny, if you were talking about a nail size rather than the change in your pocket, you might be a handyman.

  • If the last fishing you did involved moving wires from one place to another rather than catching a creature that lives in a lake or stream, you might be a handyman.

  • If all you did the last time you passed a "Victoria's Secret" store was admire the quality of the woodwork in the display cases, you might be a handyman.

  • If the word 'fly' is how your neighbor described your untimely escape from the garage roof to the ambulance driver rather than something you catch fish with, you might be a handyman.

  • If the plant fiber in your diet comes primarily from trees, you might be a handyman.

  • If you received a personal invitation to a lumberyard or hardware store Christmas party, you might be a handyman.

Did anything you just read describe your recent lifestyle? If it did, drop that hammer and grab a fly rod. You are dangerously close to becoming a handyman. You wouldn't want that, would you? Al Campbell

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