Politically Correct Christmas Party
Sent in by Harry Briscoe
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll
have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be
over $10.00 To make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree,
and no Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for
your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ...you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts
exchange are allowed, since the union members feel that $10.00 is too
much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS
EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for
you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the Dessert Buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own
table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing
allowed, though we will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat
food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the food. We suggest for those people with high blood pressure
to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert. For Diabetics,
the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!? Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All The Damn Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The Damn Holiday Party
Vegetarian idiots I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your damn salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right
NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The
Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty
Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward
your cards to her. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone
the afternoon, the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!
Jan Brons
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