We need some laughs here !!!

[Rick Z]

When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. All of the pain is felt by others.
The same with stupid.
Rick

[Uncle Jesse]

After a few weeks of Adam being by himself in the Garden of Eden, he got lonely. So he went to God and asked for a companion. God said he would look into it and get back to him the next day. So the next day God went to Adam and said 'Here Adam, I can make a beautiful woman that cooks, irons, cleans, never complains and is pretty much just what you want, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg, what do you think' Adam thought for a few seconds and then asked 'what can I get for a rib?'...... 'David Moir'

[Uncle Jesse]

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"*

[Uncle Jesse]

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

[Uncle Jesse]

Prayer for Senility - God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: * I started out with nothing, I still have most of it. * My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran. * I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. * Funny, I don't remember being absent minded ... * If all is not lost, where is it? * It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. * Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. * I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few ... * Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. * It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. * Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. * If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. * When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? * It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

[Steve Molcsan]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.LongAfter a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman."The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes.Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn"t it?"

[Uncle Jesse]

Middle-Aged Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -and fun a lot more work.Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. What a time for a guy to get those odds!You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind and body, I spent all my money.