We need some laughs here !!!

[jcampbell]

That guy is good! Just to short.

[Uncle Jesse]

The Art Of Conversing With Spouse


With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

[gmac209]

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

[Uncle Jesse]

If there is a joke hall of fame, this one should be in it. It's really old and good groaner: Enjoy

Replacing Quasimodo


After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word throughout Paris that a new bell-ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews in the belfry.


Several applicants demonstrated their skills, then a lone, armless man came in and said he was there to apply for the bell-ringer’s job.


The incredulous bishop said, “But you have no arms!”


“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody.

The astonished bishop listened and knew he had found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo, but suddenly, the armless man tripped, and plunged out the belfry window to his death.


When the stunned bishop reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. One of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but this face rings a bell.”


Despite the sad event, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell-ringer of Notre Dame. The first applicant said, “Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”


The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as he prepared to ring the bells the man groaned and clutched at his chest and died on the spot.


Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?” the first monk asked breathlessly. “Who is this man?”


“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

[Uncle Jesse]

A sophomore pre-med student was struggling with differential calculus (as many of us did). He asked for a meeting with his advisor to discuss his options. The young student vented to his advisor, “I want to be a doctor, I will never use calculus in my practice! This is a waste of my time, calculus is useless!”

His advisor gave the student a knowing smile and replied, “No, differential calculus is quite useful, it prevents idiots from becoming doctors.”

[Ed_D]

Stealing this one. Georgia Tech for pre-med.

[Uncle Jesse]

Stealing this one. Georgia Tech for pre-med.

I noticed, didn't even give me credit. My good friend who has a masters in some kind of construction engineering say everyone at Tech take 6 hours of calculus. He says that hurts their football team, but the admin says only a small percent will play pro ball and they want everyone educated to make a good living. Novel concept, student athlete.

[jimsnarocks]

[QUOTE
“No differential calculus is quite useful, it prevents idiots from becoming doctors.”[/QUOTE]

I don't believe this sentence was punctuated correctly. Of course, I could be an idiot, too.

[Uncle Jesse]

[QUOTE
“No differential calculus is quite useful, it prevents idiots from becoming doctors.”

I don't believe this sentence was punctuated correctly. Of course, I could be an idiot, too.[/QUOTE]

Jim, Ms. Josephine Waite would have added a red comma behind the word "No" had that appeared on one of her quizzes for her class to punctuate. Of course, there would have been a red minus mark and how many grade points that was going to cost me. If you were going to carve a statute of how a 1950-60's high school English teacher should look, you could have used her as a model. Fairly tall, trim with salt & pepper hair in a bun, minimal make up and usually with a somewhat stern look on her face. She was a fine lady and very good teacher and sponsor for the Senior Class (44 of us in my class.)

I did edit the post and corrected the error.

[Uncle Jesse]

A young woman named Katie received a parrot as a gift many years ago. Over time the parrot developed an extremely bad attitude.

It got to the point that every word out of the bird's mouth was rude and obnoxious. Katie tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else she could think of to 'clean up' the bird's attitude and by then 'foul language.'

Finally, Katie was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Katie lost it and shook the parrot. The parrot became uncontrollable and even more rude. Katie, in desperation, threw up her hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that she'd hurt the parrot, Katie quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Katie's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Katie was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As she was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"