We need some laughs here !!!

[Joe Valencic]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her
birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her
mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble
at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she
deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought
she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why
she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to
her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year,
so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be
a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother
she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked
because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked
around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the
street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down
and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

[nighthawk]

This is one of my favorite movie scenes. You should turn up your audio and enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFhu7...eature=related

Long Live the spirit of The Duke!

[PRM]

GOOD: Seattle, WA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12- year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Silverdale , WA . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A WA State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. 'He replied, ' Washington State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

[Joe Valencic]

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20):
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. Older Okras can look back over life and see the seeds of influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

BOILED PEANUTS (Jan 21 - Feb 19):
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20):
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20):
You're the type who spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21):
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother- me-about- it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually
running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21):
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. [NOTE:Crawfish heads are considered a delight among those who, well, delight in crawfish heads.]

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23):
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23):
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23):
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

CHITLINS (Sept 24 - Oct 23):
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of him/herself if s/he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22):
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21):
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility

[Joe Valencic]

IDIOT SIGHTING:
> We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
> repairman told us that
> one of our problems was that we did not have a
> 'large' enough motor on the
> opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the
> largest one Sears
> made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and
> said, 'Lady, you
> need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was
> larger than 1/4. He said,
> 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'
>
>
> We haven't used Sears repair since.
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
>
> My daughter and I went through the McDonald's
> take-out window and I gave
> the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed
> her a quarter..
> She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said,
> 'Yes I know, but this way
> you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and
> went to get the
> manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and
> he handed me back
> the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not
> do that kind of thing.'
> The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in
> change..
>
> Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
> neighbor call the local
> township administrative office to request the removal of
> the DEER CROSSING
> sign on our road.
> The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out
> here! I don't think
> this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
>
>
> From Kingman , KS
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
> My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco...
> She asked the
> person behind the counter for 'minimal
> lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had
> iceburg lettuce.
> From Kansas City
>
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> I was at the airport, checking-in at the gate when an
> airport employee
> asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
> your knowledge?' To
> which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
> would I know?' He
> smiled knowingly and nodded,
> 'That's why we ask.'
>
> This happened in Birmingham , Ala.
>
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
> cross the street. I was
> crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of
> mine. She asked if I
> knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
> blind people when
> the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on
> earth are blind people
> doing driving?!'
> She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING :
> At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She
> was leaving the
> company due to 'downsizing.'
> Our manager commented cheerfully,
> 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
> Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each
> other with that
> deer-in-the-headlights stare.
>
> This was a lunch at Texas Instruments...
>
> ;
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
> into itself and
> for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her
> system would not turn
> on.
>
> A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
>
>
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
>
> When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
> to pick up our
> car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went
> to the service
> department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
> unlock the driver
> side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
> instinctively tried the
> door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
> 'Hey,' I announced to the
> technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know.
> I already got that side.'
>
> This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
>
>
>
> STAY ALERT!
>
> They walk among us...
> and
> they VOTE
> and
> they REPRODUCE

[harleybob87]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large

Farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,

Fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some

Apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and

Fixed up for swimming when it was built.




One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
Pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it
Over.. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some
Fruit

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
Laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
Women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all
Went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not
Coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't
Come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
Get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to
Feed the alligator.'
Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[Uncle Jesse]

Things You Learn From the Movies:

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

[Joe Valencic]

An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said "Well, will you look at that! I'm getting a fax."

[Eight Thumbs]

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

[flyfishfairwx]

An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said "Well, will you look at that! I'm getting a fax."

JOE !!!

I will deliver your fax personally !!!!!!!!! hahhahahahahha

Good one

you should see where we hide the beer dispenser!!!!!