We need some laughs here !!!

[ol' blue]

Oldie but goodie!


The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.
Please remove them.

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was
taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.
I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little
Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager


-------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,

Who the %&% left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.
Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?
All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing,
so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything
about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.

I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory.

As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an
excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather,
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.

S. Berman

[ol' blue]

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).
English 44A SMU, Creative Writing Prof. Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

STORY:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blazed a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feeling for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper on morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth--when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peace-niks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. the lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
#^#%.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#&#$%!.

[Uncle Jesse]

This was page one of a 7 page document.

A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex.' And Bob wrote 'I love sex.'

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart but he's not very bright.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs, a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. - Conan O'Brien

A woman is like a teabag - only in hot water do you realize how strong she is.

A woman who strives to be equal to a man lacks ambition.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - Gloria Steinem

Adam was a rough draft.

After a few weeks of Adam being by himself in the Garden of Eden, he got lonely. So he went to God and asked for a companion. God said he would look into it and get back to him the next day. So the next day God went to Adam and said 'Here Adam, I can make a beautiful woman that cooks, irons, cleans, never complains and is pretty much just what you want, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg, what do you think' Adam thought for a few seconds and then asked 'what can I get for a rib?'...... 'David Moir'

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "I was a fool when I married you." she replied "yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested in her he is.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no point in two people remembering the same thing...

[crazy4oldcars]

Misogynistic drivel!!!








Please send more!!!


Krik
(I'm in hiding)

[Joe Valencic]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age
and thinking, surely i can't look that old. Well.....you'll love this
one!

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room
for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds
diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with
the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back
then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was
way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i
asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.

"yes, yes i did. I'm a mustang!" he gleamed with pride.

'when did you graduate?' i asked
he answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"
"you were in my class!" i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat ***,
gray haired,
decrepit turkey

asked....
"what did you teach???"

[Backcastwards]

Hmmm I graduated in 73. I think I have aged like fine wine. Or is it cheese?
Gary

[Uncle Jesse]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' with the worst premonition, he opened it.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your Grandchildren.

Love,


Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than The Report Card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you.

[Wild One]

I don't think I saw this one so far so...

Reply to: pers-982078099@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST
MUGGING IN SAVANNAH GEORGIA


I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!



- Alex

[jimsnarocks]

Got this email and thought I'd share it here.





If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!


Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.. Here's what happened:


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"


I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"


"'Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."


"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"


I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.


"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)


"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).


"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed..


"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."


"Oh, gross!" they shrieked


"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.


We peered at the patient ... after much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.


"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.


"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.


"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.


"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same result.


"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)


"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.


"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.


"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for pete's sake.)


The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested, doing my best to sound scientific.


"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"


I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.


"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.


"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most males, they um.... um ... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.


We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just, just... excited," my wife offered.


"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.


More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle and giggle. And then, even laugh loudly.


"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.


Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little... " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.


"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.


"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me..


"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


Two lizards: $140.


One cage: $50.


Trip to the vet: $30.


Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:


Priceless!


Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

[Uncle Jesse]

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.

The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.

The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal.

The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ***.