We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

LESSER KNOWN EQUIVALENT MEASUREMENTS

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

365.25 days: 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

[Uncle Jesse]

Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked him to speak with her sons. The clergyman agreed but asked for them to come separately. The mother sent her 8year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting with his mouth hanging wide open, the clergyman again asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, he replied, "WE are in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing and they think we did it!"

[Rick Z]

A Catholic Priest was teaching a young Sunday Scholl class. He asked "Why do I wear this collar?"
One of the young students replies. "Because it kills ticks and flees for months."

[Uncle Jesse]

Leaving the Store, I couldn't find my Keys. They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen.

As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gav...e them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your **** car!"

Welcome to the golden years...

[dave potts]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[ducksterman]

Can't remember if I posted this or not.

Two Mafia hit men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.

One of them says, "I gotta admit I'm really scared out here."

The other replies, “You’re scared? I gotta walk back alone."

[Steve Molcsan]

Johnny was daydreaming in class when the teacher called on him

“Johnny, if there are five birds on a wire and one gets shot how many are left?”

After thinking for a brief second Johnny responds “zero”

The teacher looks at him inquisitively and states. “Johnny, five minus one is four”

To which Johnny replies “yes but if you shoot one bird the other four would fly off so none would be left”

Teacher: “Well Johnny that’s not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you think”

Johnny: “well teacher you are always asking us questions can I can you one?”

Wondering where this was going the teacher reluctantly agrees.

So Johnny asks: “Three women are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is liking the ice cream, another is nibbling on the end, and finally the last one just shoves the whole thing in her mouth. Which one is married?”

Without giving it much thought the teacher responds. “Well I’d assume the one that just eats it whole”

Johnny smirks “No it’s the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think!”

[Uncle Jesse]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an *sshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-*ss decision or that the coach is a sh*thead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

[Marco]

UJ,
I've heard em all.. BUT, credit is due when I run across a CLASSIC. THAT is what describes a "CLASSIC"...... not outside the realm of " this is a TRUE story".
Keep em commin.

Mark

[Marco]

I have one : Picture a scenario where an older gent is kneeling in front of a gravestone with tears rolling down his face lamenting" why did you have to die, life was so wonderful and then...I don't know If I can continue my life.....I may soon put an end to my misery, gone are the good times and the joys I had". A passing couple, seeing and hearing the mournful words asked in reverence " just who is it that passed away.?. " My wife;s first husband"

Mark