We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

Refresher course on Laws they don't teach in Physics class . . .

Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! (Applies especially to auto mechanics.)

Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Sports Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[gmac209]

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said"I would like to buy some cyanide. "The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide? "The lady : "I need it to poison my husband. "The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! "The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied : "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. "

[Z]

A joke my daughter told me at least 30 years ago. She was 7 YO.Three legged dog walks into a bar. Says I'm looking for the man that shot my Pa.

[ducksterman]

Often what we see as certain and irrevocable fact is just a product of our perspective, which is the sum of our life experience. Consider the case of Steve: Steve lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present, and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak: *"My son, Doug, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses" *"My daughter Kelly, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier" *"My son, Kevin, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center." *"Cathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound." *The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Steve slips away, the nurse says, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property." *The wife replies, "The jerk had a paper route." *Remember, it's all about perspective. I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time, yet he complains about how much he hates prison.

[Steve Molcsan]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Good gosh UJ that is the longest winded joke I have ever seen let along attempted to read ...

[Steve Molcsan]

Did you know that if you watch the movie Jaws backwards , it becomes a wonderful tale of a big fish that repairs boats and damaged limbs to those that need them....

[Rick Z]

Pie is $1.50 in Jamica

Pie is $2.50 in Haiti

Pie is $3.00 in Puerto Rico

That's the pie rates of the Caribbean

[Steve Molcsan]

Counting CondomsA boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display. Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?" Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights." Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?" Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights." Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?" Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

[ducksterman]

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room. The second applicant arrived. He also says that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. Saint Peter, still chuckling, meets his third customer of the day. He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the last two fellows". "I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in a cedar chest...."

[Uncle Jesse]

A classic story, I'm sharing it on Facebook, 3 paragraphs