We need some laughs here !!!

[krauseb]

Hi wife loved it when he left little love notes around the house, so she was surprised at this one on the toilet seat.
Do not flush, went for tape measure this might be a world record.

[Uncle Jesse]

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.

[Uncle Jesse]

The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.

"Something for my mother, please," she replied.

"Something for your mother? That's very loving and thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What would you like me to bring her?"

Emily answered quickly, "A son-in-law."

[Uncle Jesse]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Herald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night ."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the IGA grocery store and asked,What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule??

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $1898.00

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.
One in office
One in prison

[gmac209]

It snowed last night......
We received about 2 inches of snow and ...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:25 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:30 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:40 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:45 - The transgender man--woman--person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:55 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures.
9:05 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
9:15 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
9:20 - Then accused of using a black face on the snowperson.
9:27 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
9:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
9:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
9:48 - The neighborhood 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
9:50 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
10:03 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
10:05 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. Later my children were taken by social services.
10:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
10:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
11:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because we pay attention to a bunch of snowflakes.

[lee s]

....... AMEN!!!
.....lee s.

[DaleW]

(From my facebook page



A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver named Cliff in a Brioni? suit, Gucci? shoes, and RayBan? sunglasses, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud answers, "Sure, why not?"

Cliff parks his car, whips out his Dell? notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad? that the image has been processed and the data stored.

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves," he says.

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a member of Congress,” says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says Cliff. “But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew the answer to. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are. And you’re clueless about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”