These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying straight-faced while the exchanges were taking place. ___________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ___________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ___________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ___________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ___________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn?t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20. Very close to your IQ. ___________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ___________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid. ___________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ___________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. ___________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ___________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ___________ ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend? WITNESS: Oral. ___________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ___________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Twenty five bad dad jokes1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.5. If you?re bad at haggling, you?ll end up paying the price.6. Just so everyone?s clear, I?m going to put my glasses on.7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.12. My friends and I have named our band ?Duvet.? It?s a cover band.13. I lost my girlfriend?s audio book, and now I?ll never hear the end of it.14. Why is ?dark? spelled with a k and not c? Because you can?t see in the dark.15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.16. When I told my contractor I didn?t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, ?Oh no, not U2 again.?18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it?s a whole sentence.19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person?s walk, and the result was staggering.20. I?m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won?t lie, it was a rocky road.22. What do you say to comfort a friend who?s struggling with grammar? There, their, they?re.23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, ?Aisle B, back.?24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.25. I?ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It?s all about raisin awareness.
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.” Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room. The second applicant arrived. He also says that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.” Saint Peter couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. Saint Peter, still chuckling, meets his third customer of the day. He apologizes and says, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the last two fellows”. “I don’t know,” replies the man. “Picture this, I’m naked, hiding in a cedar chest…”
A classic story, I’m sharing it on Facebook, 3 paragraphs
as another story goes The word **** where it came fromIn years past in Englands dung was used as fuel So much so that it was exported via ships to America It was stored low in the bilge of the ships in crates. Well after rough seas one evening a mate went down with his lantern to check the manure cargo and the fire in the lantern cause a massive explosion destroying the ship… A the captain was going down , he yelled ****!From then on all manure cargo crates were labeled S. H. I. T.Standing for ?SHIP HIGH IN TRANSIT?Now if you did not already know the rest of the story Peace -
Supposedly a true story: A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”
My fishing buddy grandson, Eddie, will graduate medical school June 3, this year and start residency in Reno, NV. I will have to tell him this story. Thanks. Jim
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
And all that knowledge has slipped down from my head to my belly.
When all else fails and I mean even after throwing the book at em…These are pretty tasty.
When all else fails and I mean even after throwing the book at em.These are pretty tasty.
To eat or to use as bait? Never tried them, may have to sometime.Larry —sagefisher—
At Purdue University, there were four students taking chemistry and all of them had an ‘A’ grade average. The four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go to Chicago, visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to the campus until too late Monday morning to take their tests. Since they missed the test, they decided they would explain to the professor why they were not there to take their tests. They told him they had visited friends but on the way back to W. Lafayette, they had a flat tire and found there was no spare in the car. As a result, they missed their finals. The Professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and very much relieved. They all studied that night for their exams scheduled the following day. The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They each quickly answered the first problem which was worth 5 points. They all felt a sense of relief. With each of them in separate rooms, they thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page… On the second page was written; For 95 points, Which tire went flat?
So the gang of wire nuts split up what do you call them now…-Splitbolts…Years past since this gang of electricians split up , they stay in touch but now days their all wrapped up in their busy lives ,tied up with something or other… -They are now known as the Ty-wraps… -What do you call an electrician in heaven?-A Lighting bolt… So goes the life cycle of a former electrical gang member…
“You know why a politician is like a banana?” “He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow and then he’s rotten.” “I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors …” The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would ‘hate’ to have to make a living under the laws they passed.
"This is a classic quote from grade school examination paper…One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”.Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
A married couple was taking a flight across the United States, the wife was a little leary of flying so she gripped his hand tightly upon take off then when the plane leveled off she was more relaxed. Then about 20 minutes into the flight the plane started shaking and vibrating then it leveled off and smoothed out the wife had a look of fear on her face then the flight attendant got on the mic and told everyone that the plane just lost one of its engines, but not to worry because the plane had 4 engines and with the remaining 3 we will be approx 1 hour late until we land. So the husband calmed the wife down then about 30 minutes later the plane started shaking again and vibrating the wife was frantic then the plane smoothed out the flight attendant got back on the mic and told the passengers that they lost another engine but everything is ok there are 2 engines and we should be 2 hours late till landing. So the wife calmed down a bit until approx 1hr left in the flight the plane again started to shake and vibrate then leveled off again, the flight again tells the passengers we lost our 3rd engine but not to worry we have 1 engine left we will be a bit slower getting to our destination so stay calm and it will be ok. The wife then looked at her Husband with fear and the husband said “I am now a little worried if that last engine goes we could be up here all day”.
Bubba: What can you sleep on, sit on and brush your teeth with? Me: I don’t know. What?Bubba: A bed, a chair and a toothbrush.
A man was riding his Harley along a California highway, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’ The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’ The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’ The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’ The Lord paused for a moment… Then the Lord replied, ?You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?’
The elderly Chief noticed a new seaman one day and barked at him.?Get over here! ?What is your name?? was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.?Paul.? The new guy replied.The elderly Chief scowled.?Look, I don?t know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they?re teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don?t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only ? Smith, Jones, Baker ? That?s all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear???Aye, aye, Chief.??Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name??The new guy sighed and said.?Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief.??Okay???.. Paul,??..here?s what I want you to do.?