I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide
your own Easter eggs.
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older
than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office
and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir,"
replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your
sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right
it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the
preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure
my daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the
wrinkles fill out.
---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose.
Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as
---The good news is that even as we get older, guys
still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to
squat down first.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for
women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of
it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.