1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
1. Always identify people in your yard
before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time
to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included
in the will, it is still considered tacky to
drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you
tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as
not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle,
always hold it with your fingers covering
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never
be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the
table...no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly,
this is a job that should be done in private
using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall
bathing for several days. However, if you
live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a
social no-no, as they tend to detract from a
woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook,
especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I
read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she
is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM;
others might say "Monday." If the latter is
the answer, it is the man's responsibility
to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby
and picked up immediately after the movie has
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the
screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice
for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5
seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux.
A leisure suit with a cummerbund and
clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks
and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching
vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and
the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the
vehicle with the largest tires always has
the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose
and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road
with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her
to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in
a funeral procession.