Actual Airline Announcements
These are claimed to be actual announcements made
by in-flight attendants:
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. Actually, it works
just like every other seat belt on the planet. If
you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
or someone who is acting like a small child, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two such persons, decide now which
one you love more."
Shortly before arrival:
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some
broken clouds; but they'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your travel money, more than this airline."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Captain Crash' and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at
Lighter Side Archive