Capt. Gary Henderson, Florida

December 20th, 2004

Notification to Staff

By Captain Gary (Flats Dude) Henderson
"Okay, all you elves, gather 'round. Too many things went wrong last year, and as the old guy who will take all the heat, it's high time we had this meeting. And just who the hell spread the word for all the kiddies to put out low-carb cookies and soy milk for me this year? Yuck! Does this suit really make me look that fat? I just don't think I'm getting the credit I deserve, that's all."

"Let me ask you guys a few questions. Just because I yell out, "Hey, shorty, come over here!" You're elves, for Pete's sake! Was it really necessary to hire a lawyer. You're short with pointy ears. Even your shoes are pointed and you dress a little strangely. What do you want me to call you, vertically challenged? I gotta a good mind to fire every one of you over that little charade. I thought we were in this together. And besides, just because Snow White offered us a little help year before last, doesn't mean we take her up on it. Dopey got us in a real mess when he mislabeled the breast augmentation package and sent it to little Susie, instead of her mom. That will never happen again, will it?"

"Anybody got a clue what we're going to do with all the counterfeit Santas? Some of those guys are double-dippin' again this year. In the summer they are Elvis impersonators, and now they're Santas? Just look at 'em...sideburns? And while I'm on that subject; find out who invented that blow-up Santa I'm seeing in everybody's yards. Mrs. Santa's been starin' longingly at 'em. She keeps saying, look how BIG they are." By the way, this is how I laugh... HO! HO! HO! Mrs. Santa wasn't even slightly amused when the girls down the street came callin' the other night."

"And Sinclair, just because you're our new product tester doesn't give you the right to open some of the stuff and keep it. I know you enjoy tying flies, but Blitzen and Dasher have started complaining about when they wake up their hair is missing patches, and their tails have been clipped."

"Take this down."

"The flats boat I delivered last year? Never let me slip another one down the chimney. That captain is suing us since he had to take a wall out to remove the boat from the living room. I swear I never thought about that. Besides, that happened right after that jerk left White Russians out after his party, and I thought it was another round of milk and cookies. My fanny still hurts from falling off the roof. Stop laughing, Rudolph!"

"Over the last, say, two thousand years, Christmas is the twenty-fifth of December, right? Who moved it to August? Everyone knows I take my vacation in August. I swear I was down in Florida a few years ago bone fishing. Later that afternoon I walked into a department store. There stood a likeness of me that actually danced, sang a carol and flung his arms all around; Christmas stuff was everywhere. Thinking I had screwed up, I hopped the next flight to the Pole, ran through the door at two in the mornin' and the Mrs. busted a cap on me. Luckily it hit the door jam just missing my nose. Jeeze, that was a close one."

"One great thing, though. Everybody's gone nuts with the lights and decorations. Sure makes it easy to see Christmas Eve night. But on the other hand, the new airport security thing has gotten totally out of hand. With all the lights on the houses, I mistook LaGuardia for a subdivision last year. I did my usual fly-by and was forced to land by half a squadron of F-15's. Just think, Old St. Nick and the deer being strip searched. I don't think Comet will ever be the same. Guess we need to work on that little stealth thingy, okay? Just think if it had been over North Korea."

"And, as you all know, nature calls. What's up with those folks at Target? Ruddy whips in the parking lot and I was met by the rent-a-cops. They told me to pack up my little bell and red pot and vamoose! What's up with that? Somebody must have licked the red off their candy!"

"I suppose I've done enough complaining, so let's get back to work. Sorry if I've offended some of you folks. But hey, if you don't like it, get over it. Or in your case, get under it! HO! HO! HO! That was too funny...get under it. Sometimes I just crack myself up."

"Yo, I need another bag of coal over here! Send it to Florida!"

See y'all next week. ~ Capt. Gary

About Gary:

Gary grew up in central Florida and spent much of his youth fishing the lakes that dot the area. After moving a little closer to the coast, his interests changed from fresh to salt. Gary still visits his "roots" in the "lake behind the house."

He obtained his captain's license in the early '90's and fished the blue waters of the Atlantic for a little over twelve years. His interests in the beautiful shallow water flats in and around the famous Mosquito Lagoon came around twenty-five years ago. Even though Captain Gary doesn't professionally guide anymore, his respect of the waters will ever be present.

Gary began fly fishing and tying mostly saltwater patterns in the early '90's and has participated as a demo fly tier for the Federation of Fly Fishers on numerous occasions. He is a private fly casting and tying instructor and stained glass artist, creating mostly saltwater game fish in glass.


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