We need some laughs here !!!

[Panman]

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving........

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage...

Tim

[Old #art]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put
On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult,
but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started
to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said.....

"A Chihuahua? They gave me a dammed Chihuahua ?!"

[gmac209]

The Polite Way

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, We re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.
The pro said, Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? The Priest said, Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

[Uncle Jesse]

Things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

[popperfly]

This gentleman by the name of George walks into this drinking establishment and sits down at the bar.
Bar tender says; what can I get you today!!
George replies; give me a shot of whiskey and a draft beer.
Bar tender says; coming right up.
The bar tender starts some small talk with George and all the sudden George starts poking the palm of his hand with his finger.
Bar tender asked George what are you doing!!!
George replies; making a call on my cell phone that is implanted in the palm of my hand.
Bar tender replies; you don’t have a cell phone implanted in the palm of your hand.
George replies; I sure do, here I will prove it, what is the phone number to the bar.
Bar tender gives George the phone number, George starts poking his palm of his hand and all of sudden the bar house phone starts ringing.
Bar tender pick-up the phone and George says, I told you I had a phone implanted in the palm of my hand now leave me another shot of whiskey & draft beer on the bar and I will be right back.
George gets up from the bar stool and heads off to the men's room.
The bar tender is standing there still puzzled by what just happen.

Here comes Bob walking in, one of the locals that visit the drinking establishment daily.
Bar tender yells out to Bob, you will never believe what just happen…..Bob replies what!!!
Bar tender explains to Bob; this guy has a cell phone implanted in the palm of his hand.
Bob tells the bar tender your losing your mind.
Bar tender yells out, if you don’t believe me go into the men’s room and ask for George, he will show you.
So Bob gets up from the stool and heads off to the men’s room to see this guy by the name of George.
Bob opens the door and there stands a guy with his pants pulled down around his ankles and a two foot piece of toilet paper sticking out from the crack of his butt.
Bob asked is your name George; yes!! Replies George
Bob then precedes ask about this cell phone implanted in the palm of his hand and I just had to come in here to see it myself because I don’t believe it.
George replies; I would show you but I have a fax coming in right now!!!

[Hare's Ear]

Sick, but great

[Uncle Jesse]

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"