We need some laughs here !!!

[Backcastwards]

A man was on safari in Africa. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot.

The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot.

The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him.

The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.

It is a few years later

The man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him.

The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?"

He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant.

They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down ...

...picks the man up carefully with its trunk...

...lifts him high in the air...

...THROWS HIM CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM FLAT!

Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.

[rayhill190]

Gotta love them elephants,Thanks

[Uncle Jesse]

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows,"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers,"Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning,the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feelinglike it had been run over by a bulldozer. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
“Hey fool, you dont have to get mad just because you don’t know the answer!”

[MikieFinn]

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco! Crissssssscoooo!”

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says,

“Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”

The old guy replies, “Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere.”

The clerk is astonished.”'Your wife's name is Crisco?”

The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public.”

“I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”

“Lard ***.”

[Panman]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs.Patelpassed out---

[Old #art]

Idle Thoughts of a Retired Person Whose Mind Wanders... (Author unknown)

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[LadyFisher]

Keep watching for an announcement that the Lighterside Archives are once more in working order. Our tecky Ron Tidd is working on them now!
We do appreciate all the wonderful stories which have been posted here in the meantime!
Hugs,
LF

[Steven McGarthwaite]

"We do appreciate all the wonderful stories which have been posted here in the meantime!" ~LadyFisher

Just as all of the members of FAOL, also appreciate you, for continuing this marvelous website! ~ Parnelli

[maodiver]

The guys were all at a fish camp. No one wanted to room with Bob

because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of

them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.



The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning

with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,

what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up

and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same

thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,

what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes

the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."



The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a

man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and

bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They

said, "Man, what happened?"



He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into

bed, patted him on the butt and kissed him good night. Bob sat up

and watched me all night."


Who says older people can't think outside the box?

[Old #art]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 12 years old,
but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 12.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
And we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little s**t is adorable