We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, " I just let out a silent f*rt. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back , "Put a new battery in your hearing aid..

[Steve Molcsan]

Tigers new movie:

Broke, Black, Golfer...

[Old #art]

At the Biker Bar last night
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

‘I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!’

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: ’I got it on with your grandma and she is good, The best I ever had!’

The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad ‘ but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, ‘I’ll tell you something else, boy, Your grandma liked it!’

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and looks him square in the eyes and says………………..

‘Grandpa;………. Go home!

[WarrenP]

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses are very pretty.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

[kbproctor]

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy
took the seat beside him. The guy was an
emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,
moaning in fear..

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's
crazy people there. They've got lots of
shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs,
poor public schools, and the highest
crime rate in the nation.."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life.
It's not as bad as the media says. Find a
nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a nice private
school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in

the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your
word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[Old #art]

Things you need to know about North Carolina


1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road ..

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in North Carolina

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders.. All 10,000 of them live in North Carolina , plus a couple no one has ever seen before!

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5.'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'Fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'Jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

MORE THINGS TO LET YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NORTH CAROLINA :

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

3. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

4.. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

5. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.

6. 90% of NC kitchens will have these five spices/condiments: Morton Salt, McCormick Black Pepper, Texas Pete, JFG/Dukes Mayonnaise and Hunts Ketchup.

7. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.

8. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

9. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.

10... You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.

11. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' to Wally World or Wal-Martin'.

12. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather

13. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

14. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

15. You understand these jokes and forward them to your North Carolina Friends.

[Uncle Jesse]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[kbproctor]

If your gecko is broken, do you have reptile dysfunction?

[Uncle Jesse]

What My Mother Taught Me:

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"


Thanks, Mom!

[Old #art]

Two Little Boys.
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,'



'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'