We need some laughs here !!!

[Marco]

CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS
>
>
> On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates
> and suitcases.
>
> On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..
>
> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
> dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background
> music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of
> spring-water.
>
> When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
> few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the
> curtain rods.
>
> She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>
> On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and
> at first all was bliss.
>
> Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
>
> They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
>
> Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
>
> Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
> set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
> few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
> carpeting. Nothing worked!
>
> People stopped coming over to visit.
> Repairmen refused to work in the house.
> The maid quit.
>
> Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had
> to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half
> - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
>
> Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
> their calls.
>
> Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
> huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
>
> Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told
> her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that
> she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
> divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
>
> Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed
> on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ...
> but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
>
> She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
> paperwork.
>
> A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
> the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
>
> .. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
>
> I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Mark

[farleycat]

Marco
That was so good I had to copy/paste and send it on !!!
Bernie

[Heritage Angler]

A recently divorced man was enjoying his first vacation after going through a nasty divorce. Walking in the sand on an island beach, he came upon an old lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picked up the lamp and when he rubbed the sand off of it, a beautiful genie appeared.

Genie: "I am the Spirit of the Lamp, and will grant you three wishes."

Man: " Well, after going through a divorce where my ex-wife took me to the cleaners, I could use 10 million dollars."

Genie: "Since I am a woman and sympathize with your ex-wife - whatever you receive, your ex-wife will get twice as much."

The man reluctantly agreed, and before his eyes appeared 10 million dollars. At the same moment, his ex-wife was sitting at her kitchen table, and 20 million dollars appeared in front of her.

Man: "My next wish is for a new Ferrari."

A shiny red Ferrari appeared on the sand next to him, and two new Ferraris appeared in his ex-wife's driveway. The thought of his ex-wife getting double his wishes was almost too much to bear as he pondered his next wish.

Genie: "You still have one wish left."

The man thought for a while.

Man: " I want you to beat me half to death."

[Lew]

A little political. Grow a skin!!


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ?Well,? he says, ?I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?

The Tennessee contractor al so does some measuring and figuring, then says, ?I can do this job for $700: $300 for materi al s, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?

The Chicago contractor doesn?t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, ?$2,700.?

The official, incredulous, says, ?You didn?t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure??

The Chicago contractor whispers back, ?$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.?

?Done!? replies the government official .

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[EdD]

A little political. Grow a skin!!


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ?Well,? he says, ?I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?

The Tennessee contractor al so does some measuring and figuring, then says, ?I can do this job for $700: $300 for materi al s, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?

The Chicago contractor doesn?t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, ?$2,700.?

The official, incredulous, says, ?You didn?t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure??

The Chicago contractor whispers back, ?$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.?

?Done!? replies the government official .

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

We aren't offended here in TN. We know that you're just trying to provoke us into to visiting you at the ID Fish-In. I'm very flattered. Thank you.

Ed

[jimsnarocks]

OK, You asked for it.

WHY U NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...



I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
6 cans of Spam

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Ms. Right. I looked at the 12 items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[jimsnarocks]

One more time, truth is sometimes funnier than fiction.

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting
an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote
population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and
true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, they came up
with a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive,
the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the
population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming
Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room
stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you
understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't trying to molest our sheep - they're eatin'
'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.

[Robert Taipala]

Chuck Norris is so tough that when he breaks wind, It stays broken!

[Eight Thumbs]

A Golf Story


A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her
a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye
Grandpa?" The little girl said,
"I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a
strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
listened to her
prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God
Bless Daddy. and good-bye
Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the
father, this kid
is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later
when the girl was
going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all
night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a
cat all day, had
lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he
could get by until
midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so
instead of going home at
the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee,
looking at his watch,
and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and
went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen
you work so late, what's
the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've
just spent the worst day of my
life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll
never believe what happened to me.........
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!!!

8T

[Uncle Jesse]

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

================================================== =============

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
================================================== =============

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a
Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

================================================== =============

Officer: Marine, do you have change for a dollar?

Marine: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Marine, do you have change for a dollar?

Marine: No, SIR!

================================================== =============

Q: How do you know if there is a Marine fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and Navy fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between an Air Force fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

================================================== =============

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks."

The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

================================================== =============

A Marine Gunnery Sergeant and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.

They were both just getting finished with their shaves - the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Gunnery Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

================================================== =============

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"