We need some laughs here !!!

[ducksterman]

A married couple was taking a flight across the United States, the wife was a little leary of flying so she gripped his hand tightly upon take off then when the plane leveled off she was more relaxed. Then about 20 minutes into the flight the plane started shaking and vibrating then it leveled off and smoothed out the wife had a look of fear on her face then the flight attendant got on the mic and told everyone that the plane just lost one of its engines, but not to worry because the plane had 4 engines and with the remaining 3 we will be approx 1 hour late until we land. So the husband calmed the wife down then about 30 minutes later the plane started shaking again and vibrating the wife was frantic then the plane smoothed out the flight attendant got back on the mic and told the passengers that they lost another engine but everything is ok there are 2 engines and we should be 2 hours late till landing. So the wife calmed down a bit until approx 1hr left in the flight the plane again started to shake and vibrate then leveled off again, the flight again tells the passengers we lost our 3rd engine but not to worry we have 1 engine left we will be a bit slower getting to our destination so stay calm and it will be ok. The wife then looked at her Husband with fear and the husband said "I am now a little worried if that last engine goes we could be up here all day".

[jimsnarocks]

Bubba: What can you sleep on, sit on and brush your teeth with? Me: I don't know. What?Bubba: A bed, a chair and a toothbrush.

[ducksterman]

A man was riding his Harley along a California highway, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' The Lord paused for a moment..... Then the Lord replied, ?You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

[Uncle Jesse]

The elderly Chief noticed a new seaman one day and barked at him.?Get over here! ?What is your name?? was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.?Paul.? The new guy replied.The elderly Chief scowled.?Look, I don?t know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they?re teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don?t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only ? Smith, Jones, Baker ? That?s all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear???Aye, aye, Chief.??Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name??The new guy sighed and said.?Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief.??Okay????.. Paul,??..here?s what I want you to do.?

[gmac209]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her,'The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail in the 2 by 4 just above the cow?s stall in the barn.Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail,She tells him, 'This is the one right here.'The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know.How would you know this is the right cow to be bred?''That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder......'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[Uncle Jesse]

A man and his wife check into a hotelThe husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.She lies down on the bed when, suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once moreAgain a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the managerThe manager says he'll be right up.The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true?Look, lie here on the bed and you'll be thrown right to the floor!?she tells himSo he lies down next to the wifeJust then the husband walks in.?What,? he says, ?are you doing here?!?The manager calmly replies: ?Would you believe I'm waiting for a train??

[ducksterman]

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said "Thank god for that. What are they?"

[Steve Molcsan]

Why was the movie about fly fishing a box office flop?Bad casting.

[Tig]

Therefore practice practice practice. Good one Steve!

[gmac209]

Neighbor: How long have you been drinking? Me: about 30 years. Neighbor: How many beers do you drink each day? Me: Probably six. Neighbor: That's about $3200 per year, $98,000 in 30 years! Me: OK, so? Neighbor: With all that, you could have had a brand new Corvette! Me: Do you drink? Neighbor: No! Me: Where's your Corvette?