My wife is always going out of her way to make things simple
I just found this note which she left for me:
Hey Sweetie,
I'm at work.
Dinner is on the stove.
You only have to light it, the gas is already turned on.
Love you, XXXX
My wife is always going out of her way to make things simple
I just found this note which she left for me:
Hey Sweetie,
I'm at work.
Dinner is on the stove.
You only have to light it, the gas is already turned on.
Love you, XXXX
A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.
When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,
"Please untie her, please, let her go!"
The thief responds with,
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration"
The man yet again pleads,
"Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
The burglar once again explains his reasoning,
"I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."
The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately"
"No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"
While riding the commuter train the other day, the only seat available was next to this sexy blond. We struck up a conversation.
Suddenly she said, ?Want to see where I got my appendectomy?? I couldn?t resist and said ok.
Outside we were passing a hospital and she said, ?There? and pointed at the hospital.
Why do chicken coups have two doors?
If they had four doors, they would be a chicken sedan.
I told this in the car to my 13 year old grand daughter. She groaned for two blocks. It was beautiful.
She informed me it was a "Grandpa class" joke. Apparently, Dad jokes are level one, Uncle jokes are level two, and Grandpa jokes are the absolute worst.
I'm so proud.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
The Art Of Conversing With Spouse
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
I went to church today. the preacher came over to me and said, "You will walk today".
I told him that I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with enthusiasm.
After the service I went outside, and my car was gone.
A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
After a wave of shock, she looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
My Daddy Sleeps Naked
“Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.
“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy.
The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,…… but he always told her the truth.
“You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, “That fox is back again…
I’m a gonna git him!”
“Stay back,” Daddy whispered to all us kids!
“My Daddy was naked as a jaybird — no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.
Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy’s crack!”
“Miss Russell, we all been pluckin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin!”
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
I enlarged the font because I figured only old guys like me would understand the following.
Lost Words from our Childhood
Mergatroyd! Do you remember that word? Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd!
The other day a not so elderly (I'd say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy, and he looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a Jalopy?" He had never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old ... But not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included: Don't touch that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to dry.
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right.
Heavens to Betsy!
Gee whillikers!
Jumping Jehoshaphat!
Holy Moley!
We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?
Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.
Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say,
"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!" Or, "This is a fine kettle of fish!" We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases gone?
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey, it's your nickel.
Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!)
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.
It's one of the greatest advantages of aging!
Leaves me to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth?
See ya later, alligator! Okidoki.
All of the above is "Too Much Monkey Business" for me!
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
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