In Retrospect,
That "cute" bear should have been "educated" with a face full of bear spray just to instill in him a lasting memory of consequences to human interaction.
Mark
In Retrospect,
That "cute" bear should have been "educated" with a face full of bear spray just to instill in him a lasting memory of consequences to human interaction.
Mark
My entire professional career I worked in fire prevention, safety and security. I supervised a good many hotels for Holiday Inn and Starwood hotels for those purposes for several years, unfortunately I did not keep a copy of what we called Incident Reports. I could have written a best seller. I understand why products have instructions such as those below:
Instructionsfrom Products
On a bagof Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a barof Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On achild's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Japanesefood processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On aKorean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
On astring of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On aSwedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On Boot'sChildren's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Marks& Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On Nytol sleepaid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
Onpackaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
OnSainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On someSwann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco'sTiramisu dessertprinted on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
UJ,
Did you intentionally make those grammatical errors or did you wish to vindicate our feckless ( fearless ???) leader ?
Mark
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I don't CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS wife FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED,
GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, NO GOOD FOR NOTHING ASKED..
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH
Aye, Father O'Malley
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?
"Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied:
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites! "There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . ..
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
I will confess the grammatical errors were the result of poor proof reading, or none at all and the mysteries of computer software that do not allow maintaining formats when copying and pasting.Originally Posted by Marco
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Se?ora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No, Se?ora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
HOLLYWOOD SQUARES
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show.)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knott: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older..
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
WE DO NOT STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
This is more of a humorous story than a joke, but it seem appropriate for these times when everyone is tell everyone else what they need to do.
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.
The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.
The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal.
The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ***.
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said "Don't sell that cow."
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
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