We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

With all the politics in the past year, my supply of jokes and humorous materials dried up to a large degree. I checked and it doesn't seem I have shared this in the last several months, but..........
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Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

How to prepare Tofu:

. Throw it in the trash
. Grill some meat, chicken or fish

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!

If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Cronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[Old #art]

Thanks Jesse. This old guy needed that.

[lastchance]

Ha, there are some good ones there. Thanks.

[Marco]

UJ,
As usual, good stuff. So THANKS for taking the time. AND, to help make YOUR day, catch the "Moron Brothers" on YouTube.
Mark

[Uncle Jesse]

• a farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
  
  the ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
  
  the old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes."
  
  "i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent "we can't allow animals in the theater."
  
  the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
  
  he sat down next to two old widows named mildred and marge.
  
  the movie started and the rooster began to squirm. . . The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
  
  "marge," whispered mildred.
  
  "what?" said marge.
  
  "i think the guy next to me is a pervert."
  
  "what makes you think so?" asked marge?
  
  "he undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered mildred.
  
  "well, don't worry about it", said marge. "at our age we've seen 'em all"
  
  "i thought so too", said mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn...!"

[Uncle Jesse]

A high school senior ask a beautiful young lady to go to the prom. She agrees. He knows he has to rent a tux. He goes to the rental store and there is a long line and he wait and waits and finally gets a nice tux.

On the way home, he decides to buy to pick up the appropriate flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the prom. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and waits.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

[Marco]

G R O A N !!!!

Mark

PS: But , then again, it's hard to find great CLEAN jokes.

[Uncle Jesse]

Think of it as two fastballs and a change of pace. Did you read the book Lonesome Dove, I read it years ago but I remember the disappointment at the end of the book, Woodrow takes Gus' body back to Texas and buries him and drives off. There was no neat wrap up like most stories. But, that's life.

[Uncle Jesse]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

The pastor fainted.

[Marco]

Returning from the market, Fred notices his safe is open, probably by his wife of 35 years ,so he inquires. Yes, she said, "I did open the safe out of curiosity and did see in there about $40,000 in cash and three eggs. The cash, I understand but what are the eggs doing there?". Well honey, I'll be honest, it's like this, says Fred, every time I cheated on you I'd place an egg into the safe. Well, she thinks, three times in 35 years, not good but not all that bad. But Fred continues, " and whenever I collected a dozen eggs, I would sell it and that's where to $40,000 came from.

Mark
PS: But since publication of this true story, they recounted the contents of the safe and it was 4 eggs and closer to $400dollars.