We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

If you are not old enough to understand the humor of this story, just remember it, the humor will come to you eventually:


A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.

Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you.

Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[Byron Zuehlsdorff]

make me get in trouble will you HAHAHA and no I did not wet my pants!!

[Uncle Jesse]

Why Teachers retire early and are closet drinkers!!!

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be able to leave the mental institute in a few more weeks. The drugs seems to be working.

[gmac209]

Why Teachers Drink...



The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

(Who knew all of these subjects and answers at age 16?!)

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

[gmac209]

The Cow, the Ant and the Old F@rt


A cow, an ant and old f@rt are debating whom is greatest of the three of them.


The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day, that's why I'm the greatest!"



The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to

say something.

[Old #art]

Ok. I'm saying something.

[Tig]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake, finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels..After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, > > "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to the old blind cowboy says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five important things: 1 The bartender is a blond girl who's holding a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blond girl with a billy-club. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blond joke? The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Well hell no, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[gmac209]

Tech Support

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned . 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T error

I used to like Georgie, the little %*#*head.

[Bluegill Budd]

It was at the Change of Command ceremony when the outgoing commander handed the new commander three sealed numbered envelopes. The outgoing commander explained, ?Every time you get in trouble, open an envelope, in order?.

The new commander thought it odd, but later that day put the envelopes in his top desk drawer.

It wasn?t long before the brigade commander called the fellow and told him ?Get your butt in my office immediately?. He grabbed envelope numbered 1, ripped it open, pulled out a single piece of paper with ?Blame your predecessor.? So, he went to the Brigade Commander and explained that the trouble was because of the last commander and he would make sure it would never happen again.

It was a while before another problem occurred and he got the call from the Brigade Commander to explain what went wrong. He hastily grabbed envelope number 2, tore it open and read ?Reorganize?. He told the Brigade Commander that he knew of the problem and was in the process of changing the way things were done to assure that the problem would be fixed.

About a year after taking command, he got the third call from the Higher Ups. He pulled out the envelope numbered 3 and read: ?Prepare three envelopes.?

[Uncle Jesse]

A neighbor took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you......"