We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

Steve, my friend, once upon a time, not really that long ago, I did several presentations usually involving safety, security or fire prevention each year to people involved with the hospitality industry. Back then a good way to start a presentation was with a little humor, so I collected and saved jokes and stories that could usually be repeated with groups of different sexes and with different ethic backgrounds. Unfortunately, those days are gone and to tell a humor story is to risk your career if you are employed by a corporation. But I still collect and am a conveyor belts of stories and jokes that I would think are general not offensive and a few that if they offend you, I really don't care.

[Uncle Jesse]

Back in March of 2014 I saved a file with a collection of wit and wisdom from various, I know not who, FAOL contributors. The file is 13 pages in MS Word, here are the first two pages. I thought you had probably forgotten most of this by now.

Life in the wilderness is not all eating berries in the sunshine. -from some Gierach book

"Bites make mighty thin soup". From my grandfather

Perception is reality I thought I made a mistake once, but, I was wrong!

I don't fish to live, but, I live to fish!

The difficult we do immediately, the impossible takes a little longer.

The fishing was so good, I thought that I was here last week!

---

Then out spake brave Horatius,
The Captain of the Gate:
"To every man upon this earth
Death cometh soon or late.
And how can man die better
Than facing fearful odds,
For the ashes of his fathers,
And the temples of his gods.

Fishy fishy bite , Your Mother said you might
Your Father there, he doesn?t care
So fishy fishy bite.

Keep your back cast uppeth or suffer the conthsequenthes

You had better learn to be a happy camper. You only get one try at this camp ground and the camping season is very short.

If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you're not a conservative at forty you have no brain. - Sir Winston Churchill

Everyone should believe in something. I believe I'll go fishing.

Fish are strange creatures. They're even more unpredictable than women---and that's going some! --- R.V. "Gaddabout" Gaddis

The fish are either in the shallows, or the deep water, or someplace in between.---Anon

An expert is a person with whom you go fishing, and if nobody catches anything, knows all the reasons why.---Anon

The congeniality and tact and patience demanded by matrimony are great, but you need still more of each on a fishing trip.---Frederic F. Van de Water

Whiskey will get you through times of no fish much better than fish will get you through times of no whiskey. ---Anon

Scholars have long known that fishing eventually turns men into philosophers. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to buy decent tackle on a philosopher's salary.---Patrick F. McManus

Fishermen are born honest, but they get over it.---Ed Zern

"Thats what you get for thinking when your not use to it".

I like Yogi Berra saying's/quotes-

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

''If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."

"The future ain't what it used to be."

"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did."

and, "It ain't over till it's over"


All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. - Arthur Schopenhauer

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair. - Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Pain is temporary. Giving up is permanent. - Lance Armstrong

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - Mark Twain

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - Errol Flynn

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine

[Uncle Jesse]

THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY?

I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed...

However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

[Marco]

UJ,
I'm going to add that to my resume. It'll for sure propel me to the front of the line in my application to be a Walmart greeter.

Mark

[Steve Molcsan]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Houma, Louisiana.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron's vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over, and administered a breathalyzer test... To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Cajun."Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Joe Valencic
Life Member FFF
Rod Builder in Chains

[Bluegill Budd]

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[Steve Molcsan]

[Marco]

Izaak Walton quote:
"I envy him not that eats better meat than I nor him that is richer or that wears better clothes than I. I envy nobody but him, and him only, that catches more fish than I"
Among hundreds of his famous quotes, this one ranks with me.

Mark
PS: I never did read the entire "Compleat Angler" but always appreciated that it was beautifully written.

[Uncle Jesse]

Izaak Walton quote: "I envy him not that eats better meat than I nor him that is richer or that wears better clothes than I. I envy nobody but him, and him only, that catches more fish than I"
Among hundreds of his famous quotes, this one ranks with me. Mark

I was fortunate to be part of a good high school football team for 3 years (27-2-1) and dearly hate to lose at that game, but never did have a scoreboard handy when I was fishing. I generally know if my fishing companion catches more than me or vice versa but I enjoy watching them catch their fish almost as much as catching mine. The only time the score is really important is if I take a friend to a place for the first time, if they don't catch any fish I feel like a failure as a host. I want kids to catch fish too, because I want most of them to want to come back again.

[Uncle Jesse]

Two men are playing golf, and there are two ladies playing in front of them.

The ladies are taking forever...really playing slow. The men are getting impatient.

After about three holes of this, one guy says, “This is ridiculous. Get in the cart and go tell them to let us play through!”

So the other guy takes off in the cart.

About halfway to the next hole, he stops, turns the cart around and comes back.

“Hey”, he says. “This is embarrassing but that’s my wife and my girlfriend playing together. I can’t get near them. You go.”

So the other guy jumps in the cart and heads off.

A minute later he comes back. He doesn’t say anything...just walks over to the tee box.

The first guy says, “Well? Did you talk to them?”

And the second guy says, “Uh...small world!”