We need some laughs here !!!

[ducksterman]

1. The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look.
2. This lockdown can go three ways...you either come out a hunk, a chunk or a drunk.


3. The whole world is now Vegas. Everyone's losing money, it's acceptable to drink at all hours and no one has any idea what day it is.


4. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.


5. When all this is over, which meeting do I attend first: weight watchers or AA


6. Never in a million years could I have imagined going to a bank teller with a mask on and asking for money


7. They can open things up next month, but I'm gonna stay in until July to see what happens to you first.


8. Things are getting weird. It's like being 16 again, gas is dirt cheap and I'm grounded.


9. The dumbest thing I ever purchased was a 2020 planner.


10. WHEN THIS QUARANTINE IS OVER, LET'S NOT TELL SOME PEOPLE.

[Uncle Jesse]

Wife: Did I get fat during the quarantine?

Husband: You weren't really that skinny at the beginning.

Time of Death: 11:00 p.m.

Cause of Death: Covid -19

[Uncle Jesse]

The cows have gotten into the cannabis crop.
This could be a high steaks situation

[Marco]

My insatiable curiosity has me wondering...............Is there an obituary link that specifies "last words of the decedent"? Because I wonder, just how many said " ......hold my beer.........."

Mark

[Uncle Jesse]

As the locomotive pulls out of the station, in one of the train compartment there are 3 men and a ravishing young lady. The lady proposes “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.” The men, charmed by the young lady all pull a buck out of their wallet and then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs,” and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.

The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, “If you will give me $20, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three fork over the money.

The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”

[gmac209]

Not really a Funny



An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Brilliant!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;​
- Why the early bird gets the worm;​
- Life isn't always fair;​
- And maybe it was my fault.​

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

-by his parents, Truth and Trust,​
-by his wife, Discretion,​
-by his daughter, Responsibility,​
-and by his son, Reason.​

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

- I Know My Rights​
- I Want It Now​
- Someone Else Is To Blame​
- I'm A Victim​
- Pay me for Doing Nothing​

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

[Uncle Jesse]

My wife’s cat sleeps about 20 hours a day.

She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to her.

She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.

If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.

She receives these accommodations absolutely free.

She is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick .......

I think the cat is a member of Congress!

[Uncle Jesse]

I think this was written by a friend in Mississippi or Alabama, I haven't found any limestone in north Georgia. It might be here but it's hiding under harder rocks.

The electric fence and the lawnmower..

We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”....How very thoughtful of her.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time.......stood........still..........

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just **** your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.

[Uncle Jesse]

A local stock clerk fought off an armed robber with a label gun.

The police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

[Steve Molcsan]

As the saying goes , don't quit your day job UJ.
Love your good sense of humor. I give you an A plus for effort,, lol