We need some laughs here !!!

[gmac209]

Black Bra (as told by a woman)


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



(you are going to love this.....)





"What's for dinner, Zorro?”

[gmac209]

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way:

Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, You must be one hell of an outdoorsman! NAH, he replied, I'm just a lousy golfer.

[Steve Molcsan]

So what do you call a gang of us electricians ??
-Wirenuts.
So the gang of wire nuts split up what do you call them now..
-Splitbolts..
Years past since this gang of electricians split up , they stay in touch but now days we are all wrapped up it our busy lives always tied up with something or other..
-Were now known as the Ty-wraps..
-What do you call an electrician in heaven?
-Lighting bolt..
So goes the life cycle of a former electrical gang member..

[Rick Z]

I asked my girlfriend if I was her one and only. She replies, "Yes". I said "really".

She said the rest were either 9 or 10.

[krauseb]

Little boy sitting on the curb eating candy and a woman walking by stops and says "you shouldn't be eating candy it's not good for you. The little boy says my grandfather lived to be 95. She says, by eating candy? He answered back, no by minding his own business.

[Steve Molcsan]

So a guy asked me what time is the midnight buffet on a cruise ship.
I 've never been aboard a cruise ship , maybe someone here knows
any help for this guy would be appreciated.

[Uncle Jesse]

Student Says He's Too Smart For First Grade

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too."

The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9."

Principal: "6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36."

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"

Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?"

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants."

Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"

Johnny: "Firetruck."

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself."

[Uncle Jesse]

Maybe EdD will catch these he really appreciates a good pun or a good pond.

PUNOGRAPHY


I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. .

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

So I asked what the capital of Alaska is. He turned to the next guy an said, "I don't know, Juneau?"

[Uncle Jesse]

Only in Lawrenceville, GA, I swear!! I drove into the gas station at Pike Street to fill my car up. I noticed 2 police officers were watching a woman who was smoking while filling her car up.

I thought, is she stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing right there?! .. I minded my own business, filled up the car, and went to pay, then I heard someone screaming!! I’m talking violent death screams!

I looked round and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!!!! She was swinging her arm, running around and going nuts!! In seconds the police had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!!

Then they put handcuffs on her and put her in the police car. I was a bit shocked, couldn't believe they arrested her, surely she ought to be in an ambulance and not a police car?! Me being nosy as I am, I asked the policeman what they were arresting her for. He looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM”!!

[Marco]

Ok UJ, I understand. You've been confined to your space for a month plus now and you're out of some meds.

Mark