We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH
A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
If it grows, it'll stick ya.
If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
People actually grow,eat and like okra.
Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.
You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.
Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr.(first name)
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You know what a hissy fit is.
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

[jcampbell]

I can relate to about 99% of these. However, I could add quite a few more, such as gunna.

[ELHead]

Now Uncle Jess, Y'all ain't serious bout these bein jokes. Y'all know they are true. Oh yeah you forgot an early spring vegetable , poke sallet.
Dave

[caibill]

Looks like y'aller having a large time with this thread.

[Byron Zuehlsdorff]

HA HA HA!!! Make this Wyoming boy wet his pants!!!

[Uncle Jesse]

Byron, you need to check in from time to time or we'll be thinking we missed another funeral. The thing about getting older is not everybody makes it all the way with you.

[Uncle Jesse]

A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

After a wave of shock, she looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[jimsnarocks]

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers "Yes but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair and I just wet mine."

A blond man spots a letter on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" the blond replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breath."

An Italian tourist asks a blond man "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blond man replies, "If they fell forward they'd still be in the boat."

A friend told the blond man, "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not on the 13th."

Two blond men found 3 grenades and they decided to take them to the police station. One of them asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found 2."

[MSD53X]

Ha Ha Ha Ha !!! Thanks Jim, I needed that

[jimsnarocks]

Oldy but goody.

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."
"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the lake.
"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"