We need some laughs here !!!

[jimsnarocks]

The other day I was going into the cement plant to fix the train. Security asked me, "You got any ID." I said, "Bout whut?"

[Marco]

Yesterday (6th) and day before (5th) were 21st and 16th birthdays of two of my GRANDSONS. Nicholas (21st) received from me , among a few other stuffs, a small flask of Remy Martin XO with instructions to be consumed over my grave on his 50th birthday in my memory. Along with this overly symbolic gift/gesture came a story I recalled about a band of Irish friends who en/group purchased a bottle of the finest Irish whiskey to be poured by the last surviving member over the grave of the next to last departed. As time passed, one by one , as life dictates, the members passed on to their heavenly rewards . Only Sean was left, standing over the grave of the departed Seamus. He very solemnly uncorked the now VERY aged contents, looked down on the grave, at the bottle and into the crowd of mourners . " I am the last of our plan. I have known Seamus and the others for many years and I know they would find it in their hearts to forgive me for passing this whiskey through me kidneys first"

Mark

[Byron haugh]

Marco,
Better to have them share with you when the oldest reaches 30!!!

[Marco]

Byron,
Yes, but that narrative would not have worked as well as the preamble to my story :>)

Mark

[DaleW]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job'.

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'You must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes Green, Green, and I Pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works Tech Support Center #25 in Mumbai.

No doubt you have spoken to him….. I know I have.

[ELHead]

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes Green, Green, and I Pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

My experience is. "Yellow this is John Smith," Bill Brown or some such hi-jacked name.

[Prairieschooner]

This thread being 156 pages long, there's a good chance this one has been told before...

The blond was asked in an interview, "If you could have a conversation with any one person, living or dead, who would it be?"

To which the blond replied, "Well the live one, of course!"

(Dedicated to my beautiful blond wife.)

[Marco]

The City's largest Charitable Organization realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community? The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. So the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

[Bluegill Budd]

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all?s well

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact, he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to get married?"

[Marco]

I too failed a self administered sobriety test just now.

"Woods couldn't complete several tasks during the field sobriety test, including reciting the national anthem backwards "
I couldn't do it either, SO, as soon as I get a few things done, as a law abiding citizen, I'm turning myself in.

Mark