We need some laughs here !!!

[Uncle Jesse]

Some classic quotes from some well known and some not so well know athletes and coaches.

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a former Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height..," And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to late Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

[krauseb]

Old Betty called the police and complained that every morning at 7:30 AM a new neighbor stood in front of his window and did his exercises in the nude.
At 7:30 the next morning the police came and asked where the man was that she complained about.
Old Betty says, stand on the toilet and look way to your left.

[Uncle Jesse]

You young guys probably need to consider getting one of these, save you a lot of grief.
https://youtu.be/O3qwGaUxsww

[51BC]

You young guys probably need to consider getting one of these, save you a lot of grief.
https://youtu.be/O3qwGaUxsww

Oh where, oh where were these 50 years ago!!

[Uncle Jesse]

A bit of a classic, but since school has started back it would seem appropriate.

There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.


They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to the college until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page.


On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

[DaleW]

Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,
so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you !

[Old #art]

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying, let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem solve itself.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now, they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met ? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because when you do, ... and before you know it, ... the word "premeditated" is being thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan ?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[Uncle Jesse]

Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m.and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

[Panman]

I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
Panman

[Bluegill Budd]

Picture if you will a serene Sunday morning with a gentle breeze blowing, the sun shining and the spring air as crisp as a cold apple. Down in the glen sits clapboard sided church, its two front doors propped open as the folks gather to sing praises and worship the Lord. The pastor stands in the vestibule greeting the families as they enter. Then !!! A brilliant flash of lightning and the acrid stench of Sulphur burning and there in the isle stands the Devil himself. Mothers and fathers are grabbing their children, rushing to get out of the building any way they can, folks jumping over pews to make it a door or window farther away from the spectacle unfolding in the isle. Finally, the smoke clears and three people are revealed left in the tiny sanctuary. The Devil resplendent in his black robes, the pastor in his shirt-sleeves and sitting calmly by is an old farmer, with a wisp of a wheat stalk hanging from his lower lip.

The Devil rises up and points his bony finger at the pastor and bellows, ?I know why you are here. You preach against me all week long?. Then he turns and addresses the farmer and says, ?Why are you still here?? The farmer slowly turns to face the evil and taking the wheat straw from his mouth says ?You don?t recognize me, but 30 years ago I married your sister.?