We need some laughs here !!!

[Panman]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get
the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Pan

[Uncle Jesse]

If you watch it, stay to the end for the punch line.
http://youtu.be/KFabfnfhIaY

[ducksterman]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[Uncle Jesse]

If you are a guy, you know most of these could have happened to you.
http://youtu.be/-lThgEYGeo0

[Buddy Sanders]

Do you know why the Cowboy adopted a weiner dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggie.....

[Marco]

REpeted from waaaayyy back when.

CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS
>
>
> On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates
> and suitcases.
>
> On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..
>
> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
> dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background
> music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of
> spring-water.
>
> When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
> few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the
> curtain rods.
>
> She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>
> On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and
> at first all was bliss.
>
> Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
>
> They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
>
> Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
>
> Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
> set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
> few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
> carpeting. Nothing worked!
>
> People stopped coming over to visit.
> Repairmen refused to work in the house.
> The maid quit.
>
> Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had
> to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half
> - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
>
> Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
> their calls.
>
> Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
> huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
>
> Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told
> her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that
> she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
> divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
>
> Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed
> on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ...
> but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
>
> She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
> paperwork.
>
> A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
> the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
>
> .. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
>
> I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Mark

[ducksterman]

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' replied the old man. 'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught today?'

'You're the eighth.'

[Marco]

OLE OLSON, THE
NORWEGIAN SALESMAN FROM MINNESOTA

Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in
the Minnesota National
Guard and a natural born salesman, got called up to
active duty.

Ole's first assignment was in a military induction
center.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty
of
advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the
G I
life insurance, to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon
noticed that Ole was getting a 99%
sign-up rate for the more expensive
supplemental form of GI
insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income
recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to
what
the government was already providing at no charge. The
officer
decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and
observe Ole's sales pitch.

Ole stood up before the latest group
of inductees and said."If
you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to
Afghanistan an' get
yourself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary
$20,000. If
yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only
t'irty
dollars a mont , den da governmen' got ta pay yer
beneficiary
$200,000! Now, Ole concluded, Vich bunch you tink dey gonna
send
ta Afghanistan first?"

Dey're like dat in Minisota

Mark

[Old #art]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a old Army Warrant Officer in his early sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. “Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun. “Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the
lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful
naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her
and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. “I've never seen a display like
that in my life.”

He turns to the old warrant and asks, “Can you top that?”

The old warrant says, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”

[Marco]

Old#etc,
This thread sorta follows a wave pattern. Your last contribution represents a crest ( almost as high as mine ) , I just went back to Farleycat's original post and read the next 50 or so contributions . Those are well worth revisiting ( especially mine)

Mark :>)