We need some laughs here !!!

[rainbowchaser]

was this it? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0kdBDwNddc

[Uncle Jesse]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy", the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey", you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother replied.

"It's not polite". "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" The mother says, "Now really, those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the daughter asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mom won't tell me anything about her, " the little girl says to her friend. "Well", says her friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find out?"

"And, " the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?", the mother asks, "why?"

........"Because you got an F in sex."

[Uncle Jesse]

Why we should mind our own business:

A man was walking down the street when he heard chanting down the street. He saw no people where the noise was coming from and kept walking. As he got closer he realized that the noise was coming from behind a mental institution's walls. The crowd of people behind the wall were chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Overwhelmed with curiosity the man slowed his pace and found a hole in the wall. He stepped up and put his eye to the hole to see what was going on. At the same time a stick poked him in the eye. The crowd started chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

And that is why we should mind our own business.

[oldfrat]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello."

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

****************************
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet....’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing' Grandpa asks? 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

[Bluegill Budd]

The junior reporter for the local paper always got the weirdo news stories, so he was not surprised when the Editor sent him out to interview a man who claimed he had developed and programed the smartest computer in the world. After being shown the vast array of electronic cabinets with blinking lights and whirring tape decks the inventor invited the reporter to sit at the terminal and ask any question he might have. The fellow thought for a minute and typed in: ?Where is my father??. The screen lit up and the answer appeared ?He is fishing on Beaverdam Lake in Upstate New York?. The reporter stifled a laugh and explained to the inventor that the computer was wrong, as his father had died some years ago. The inventor thought for a bit and suggested he re-phrase the question. So the reporter typed in: ?Where is my mother?s husband?? The lights blinked, the tapes whirred and then the screen lit up with this: ?Your mother?s husband is dead, and by the way your father just caught a nice 5 pound bass on a spinner bait.?

[Uncle Jesse]

Careful with what you eat!

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=player_embedded&v=9WoM2bHfr48# t=0

[DaleW]

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

[Panman]

Husband takes the wife to a disco.



There's a guy on the dance floor living it up - large break dancing, moon walking, back flips,the works.



The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:"Looks like he's still celebrating!"

[Uncle Jesse]

English Isn't As Easy As You Think.

You think English is easy?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

1 Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

The English language was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

From: http://www.tickld.com/funny/t/763779

[Marco]

One may glean a chuckle outta this :

http://www.youtube.com/embed/bAYrcu5_Pko?rel=0

Mark