image.jpg. Mmmmmm Bacon...
That is laughing out loud good. My doctor warned me about too much bacon, my wife warned me about any more women.Originally Posted by maodiver
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
Yeah,but ain't it worth it
Since my wife doesn't check here, I am going to assume it's safe for me to post this here.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5 The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4 Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.”
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She'll be eligible for parole in three years
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
TWO CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
Last edited by gmac209; 01-02-2014 at 11:15 PM.
Claude the Hypnotist
Claude the Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community-sing song led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" Said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. And then, Suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SH#T" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center
And Claude was never invited to entertain again!
Clint
in far west Kentucky
I would just like to thank Uncle Jesse and others for their contributions . Its nice to start of the day with a laugh.
Tim
Farleycat, started this thread a few years ago. I enjoy a good joke as much as anyone and have tried to pass along the best of the joke my friends send me, that will get past the editors. It will probably surprise no one to learn I have several thick MSWord files of jokes. Back years ago I did training presentation and it was good to include a joke, then I got dangerous because someone might be offended.
Want to hear God laugh? Tell him Your plans!!!
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